Friday 30 September 2011
Thursday 29 September 2011
The song that hit me smack down square in the heart a rainy day in April
Go ahead, push you luck, find out how much love the world can hold,
once upon a time I had control,
and reigned my soul in tight.
Well the whole truth,
it’s like the story of a wave unfurled,
but I held the evil of the world,
so i stopped the tide,
froze it up from inside,
and it felt like a winter machine that you go through and then,
you catch your breath and winter starts again,
and everyone else is spring bound.
and everyone else is spring bound.
And when I chose to live,
there was no joy,
it’s just a line I crossed,
it’s just a line I crossed,
it wasn’t worth the pain my death would cost,
so I was not lost or found.
And if I was to sleep,
I knew my family had more truth to tell.
And so I traveled down a whispering well,
to know myself through them.
Growing up,
my mom had a room full of books,
and hid away in there,
her father raging down a spiral stair,
till he found someone,
most days his son,
and sometimes I think my father, too, was a refugee,
I know they tried to keep their pain from me,
they could not see what it was for.
But now I’m sleeping fine,
sometimes the truth is like a second chance,
I am the daughter of a great romance,
and they are the children of the war.
Well the sun rose with so many colors,
it nearly broke my heart,
it nearly broke my heart,
it worked me over like a work of art,
and I was a part off all that.
So go ahead,
push your luck,
say what it is you gotta say to me,
we will push on into that mystery,
and it’ll push right back,
and there are worse things than that,
cause for every price,
and every penance that I could think of,
it’s better to have fallen in love,
than never to have fallen at all,
cause when you live in a world,
well it gets into who you thought you’d be,
and now I laugh at how the world changed me,
I think life chose me after all.
Wednesday 28 September 2011
Lyckan i Friska Vindar och Stjärnglans - plus Problemet med Kroppen
Jag känner mig lycklig ända in i själen - Jag är tillbaka på 'min' ö.
Andas ut stel storstadsluft och småstadsluft. Fyller bröstkorgen med frisk kall höstvind och näsan med nyss nedliad vass, sötsalt hav och basturök. Bröstkorgen vidgas långsamt och njutningsfyllt (har plats att göra så i tillräckligt långa joggingbyxor i storlek XL...) och kroppen tar över. Kroppen och sinnena får leda och hjärnan detusentankarna får äntligen en liten semester.
Vaknar kvart före fyra på morgonen och känner efter - jo kroppen är pigg, den vill ut och upp. Sveper in mig i klädvärme och sätter fötterna i gumppare. Och jovisst, gumpparfötterna leder ner mot bryggan lika självsäkert som barfotafötterna. Inget ljus behövs här - fötterna hittar hur enkelt som helst (trägolv blir stentrappa blir stengång blir gräs blir stengång blir bryggträ...det kan jag lita på. Blir det vatten har jag gått för långt/i fel riktning...) Kroppen lägger sig ner med bryggträt i ryggen, blicken upp i stjärnorna och det oändliga. Natten, mörkret, värmen och mentholröken omsluter mig och jag har inte känt mig tryggare någonsin. Den självvalda ensamheten i naturen årstiden natten är vacker, harmonisk och sällsynt.
Vilar sinnet och tankarna efter en underbar men allt för intrycksfull semester. Jag tror att om jag fick (det får jag väl?) leva vid havet jämt skulle jag vara så nära lycklig man kan bli. Vattnet, stjärnorna ovan och årstidernas gång så tätt inpå förankrar mig i världen och mig själv, och ger så mycket mening och rening.
Jag har starka åsikter och övertygelser, som leder mitt liv och min vardag. Trots att jag aldrig skulle vilja vara nåt annat än Vegetarian, Feminist, IckeStraight, Ickerasist och allt det andra gör det att jag jämt och konstant analyserar mig själv, mina handlingar, mitt språk och min riktning i livet.
'Har jag den här korta kjolen för att jag vill visa mina ben för män, för att jag tycker om mina ben och vill säga hej fan kolla på mina skitsnygga ben, eller som ett feministiskt ställningstagande för att säga att jag får ha en kort kjol trots att jag inte rakat benen sen jag var sexton men jag är ändå inte ditt objekt och nej du har inte rätt att röra dem om jag inte ger dig tillåtelse till det?'
'Hmmm, betyder det att jag är rasist för att jag tycker att helslöja är kvinnoförtryck? Min feministiska övertygelse tar avstånd från allt som är påtvingat kvinnor, men kan mäns/religionens/kulturens slöjpåtvingande jämnställas med förtrycker i västvärlden att klä sig sexigt, urringat och kortkort för mäns blickar? Och varför är det så svårt att diskutera det här?'
'Shit jag gillar Lady Gaga, fan hur funkar det med min musikideologi?? (major identitetskris följer) Men hej, ser man på, hon skriver sina egna låtar, hon är superinvolverad i HBTQ rörelsen, hon är überpolitisk, hon är helt enormt involverad i sina fans, hon ser ut som ÅttiotalsMadonna & Freddy Mercury's LoveChild, hon bestämmer själv vad hon vill ha på sin kropp, sitt huvud, sitt ansikte, hon visar en positiv och annorlunda bild av sexualitiet som är självdefinierad, stark, modig och högljudd. Hon är kvinna och står för sin sexualitet, sin kropp och sitt skapande. Hon tänker mycket och högljutt och är lika mått ömtålig som råstark. (LG kan du snälla please bli min fru???!)
'Oj vad den här villagrannen-fiskade och rökta abborren doftar så himmelsk gott. Men hjälp, är jag snål på fisk? efter att inte ha ätit fisk (annat än i misstag i utländsk mat och förbannade såser och dressingar) på 12 år?!?! Vad är det Hääääär? Kanske jag kan smaka lite? kan jag? Får jag? Får för vem då, för mig själv, övertygelsen? Nä jag får väl göra vad fan jag vill, jag gör'et! (och jag smakade, och nej det var inte så gott som det doftade och jag ville inte ha en till bit)'
Allvarligt talat har jag såna mentala strider, diskussioner och funderingar nonstop i min hjärna. F*cking Dagligen! Inte undra på att folk tycker att jag är överaktiv och jag inte kräver mer än typ fem timmar sömn åt gången, min hjärna är så överaktiv att det smittar av sig på kroppen, sinnet och lynnet och mina handlingar. (och TRÖTTAR UT!)
-i vår självmordsstatistik (kroppen ignoreras/torteras/överanalyseras -> depression -> självmord. Jag tror ochså att vi har glömt värdet i livet, att vi inte har en till chans till liv och bör förvalta det så gott vi kan. Jag blir så urbota ledsen så att det skär i hjärtat och smärtar i halsen varje gång jag hör/läser om en femtonårig tjej/kille som tagit livet av sig för att deras kille/tjej gjort slut, för att de var mobbade eller för att de helt enkelt kände sig fel. Var fanns alla som kunde säga att 'det blir bättre. du växer till dig. du börjar förstå livet mer. du får nya kärlekar. du blir stor i tanken och på jorden. Du Behövs och Du är Älskad, av Världen om så ingen annan.)
-i vårt hälsosystem (nu utgår jag främst från det engelska, men det finska verkar inte SÅ hemkst annorlunda) (Är det inte chockerande att vad jag blir erbjuden som deprimerad är psyckofarmaka. Jo de nämner terapi, men väntekön att träffa nån är 2 månader, och väntekön sen att FÅ en regular therapist är 4-6 månader. Så i värsta fall 8 månader, före jag får TALA med nån. Säg det till en deprimerar och det om nåt får dig att vilja ta livet av dig. Så vi fortsätter att dopa, döva, modifiera våra kroppar med piller, både för själsont, halsont och magont. Tänk om min huvudvärk är pga att jag hatar mitt jobb på mycket, eller min halsont är pga mina chakras har gått helt åt h*lvete för att jag ignorerar/motarbetar dem? Tänk om mina hudproblem egentligen är ett symptom på kosten jag äter, eller pga stressen jag har där hemma med min sjuka make/a? Och nej jag säger inte att ALLA läkare bara skriver ut piller, eller att INGEN läkare förespråkar natural remedies. Och jag SKYLLER inte på läkare, sjuksköterskor eller västerländs medicin överlag. jag skäller på IDE'N ATT ALLT GÅR ATT BOTA MED PILLER. ATT DET ÄR VÅRA KROPPAR DET ÄR FEL PÅ, OCH INTE DET ATT VI KONSTANT IGNORERAR VÅRA KROPPAR SOM GÖR DEM SJUKA!
Jag skulle kunna fortsätta i evinnerlighet, men jag känner att jag ska istället avsluta med att ge er lite rogivande bilder från min ö och min gårdag. Tänkt inte på shoppinglistan, morgondagens bestyr, utan känn dofterna i hjärnan, och suset från havet. Enjoy!
(Börja blogginlägget med detta soundtrack..)
Andas ut stel storstadsluft och småstadsluft. Fyller bröstkorgen med frisk kall höstvind och näsan med nyss nedliad vass, sötsalt hav och basturök. Bröstkorgen vidgas långsamt och njutningsfyllt (har plats att göra så i tillräckligt långa joggingbyxor i storlek XL...) och kroppen tar över. Kroppen och sinnena får leda och hjärnan detusentankarna får äntligen en liten semester.
Vaknar kvart före fyra på morgonen och känner efter - jo kroppen är pigg, den vill ut och upp. Sveper in mig i klädvärme och sätter fötterna i gumppare. Och jovisst, gumpparfötterna leder ner mot bryggan lika självsäkert som barfotafötterna. Inget ljus behövs här - fötterna hittar hur enkelt som helst (trägolv blir stentrappa blir stengång blir gräs blir stengång blir bryggträ...det kan jag lita på. Blir det vatten har jag gått för långt/i fel riktning...) Kroppen lägger sig ner med bryggträt i ryggen, blicken upp i stjärnorna och det oändliga. Natten, mörkret, värmen och mentholröken omsluter mig och jag har inte känt mig tryggare någonsin. Den självvalda ensamheten i naturen årstiden natten är vacker, harmonisk och sällsynt.
Vilar sinnet och tankarna efter en underbar men allt för intrycksfull semester. Jag tror att om jag fick (det får jag väl?) leva vid havet jämt skulle jag vara så nära lycklig man kan bli. Vattnet, stjärnorna ovan och årstidernas gång så tätt inpå förankrar mig i världen och mig själv, och ger så mycket mening och rening.
(fortsätt med den här...)
Lyckan har hängt med in i stugan i värmen och mörkret. Du lyssnar nu på samma soundtrack jag gör när jag skriver det här, vilket känns fint och som att vi har nån slags connection över cyberrymden, och om du är nån av dessa personer; Malin, Mamma, Joel, Heidi, Rosita, Fia, Ida, Soffi, Elin, Sofia - Vi har en connection i riktiga världen ochså! Fint va! Och om Du är nån annan, känn Dig inte glömd, vi har säkert connectat nån gång, eller om inte; Välkommen Hit! Stig in stig på, borsta av skorna tack och häng kappan över stolen. Hatten får Du ha på dig. Vill Du ha en kopp te? (jag har chai, kaneläpple, vanligtsvart, rött, grönt, vitt och Viisasten tee)
(and then this....)
Jag älskar att vara uppe riktigt tidigare mornar, det är som att hjärnan skulle vara så vaken och mottaglig när kroppen vaknar upp av sig själv, utvilad och pigg på nya äventyr! Istället för att känna sig grubblig, överanalyserande och överaktiv är det en nyutsövd, mottaglig och kreativ hjärna i dess plats - och jag föredrar den hjärnan så himla mycket! Jag är så urbota trött på analyserande. Jag är TRÖTT på grubbel och min överaktivitet. Jag vill ha Lugn. Och Ro. Och ingenstans får jag det bättre än här.
(du har fattat galoppen va?)
Vissa tankar är så fina att tänka, ibland är det skönt att bara låta tankarna styra och ta en dit de vill, men det är jobbigt när det leder in i grubbel och överanalyserande. Jag är en urbota självanalyst, och det gör mig så himla trött och knäsvag ibland, ibland analyserar jag så långt så att jag bara känner mig som rymddamm i slutändan. Och det är ju inte kul. Jag är så himla disconnected från min kropp i mina tankar och min hjärna. Jag tror att det är ett av våra största problem i Väst Världen, att vi har glömt att leva genom våra kroppar och lever enbart eller mestadels genom hjärnan. Nu talar jag inte för alla, men ur egen synvinkel och tänker att nog många känner igen sig....
(Kimya är en hjältinna med knåterburr och smekande röst...)
'Har jag den här korta kjolen för att jag vill visa mina ben för män, för att jag tycker om mina ben och vill säga hej fan kolla på mina skitsnygga ben, eller som ett feministiskt ställningstagande för att säga att jag får ha en kort kjol trots att jag inte rakat benen sen jag var sexton men jag är ändå inte ditt objekt och nej du har inte rätt att röra dem om jag inte ger dig tillåtelse till det?'
'Hmmm, betyder det att jag är rasist för att jag tycker att helslöja är kvinnoförtryck? Min feministiska övertygelse tar avstånd från allt som är påtvingat kvinnor, men kan mäns/religionens/kulturens slöjpåtvingande jämnställas med förtrycker i västvärlden att klä sig sexigt, urringat och kortkort för mäns blickar? Och varför är det så svårt att diskutera det här?'
'Shit jag gillar Lady Gaga, fan hur funkar det med min musikideologi?? (major identitetskris följer) Men hej, ser man på, hon skriver sina egna låtar, hon är superinvolverad i HBTQ rörelsen, hon är überpolitisk, hon är helt enormt involverad i sina fans, hon ser ut som ÅttiotalsMadonna & Freddy Mercury's LoveChild, hon bestämmer själv vad hon vill ha på sin kropp, sitt huvud, sitt ansikte, hon visar en positiv och annorlunda bild av sexualitiet som är självdefinierad, stark, modig och högljudd. Hon är kvinna och står för sin sexualitet, sin kropp och sitt skapande. Hon tänker mycket och högljutt och är lika mått ömtålig som råstark. (LG kan du snälla please bli min fru???!)
'Oj vad den här villagrannen-fiskade och rökta abborren doftar så himmelsk gott. Men hjälp, är jag snål på fisk? efter att inte ha ätit fisk (annat än i misstag i utländsk mat och förbannade såser och dressingar) på 12 år?!?! Vad är det Hääääär? Kanske jag kan smaka lite? kan jag? Får jag? Får för vem då, för mig själv, övertygelsen? Nä jag får väl göra vad fan jag vill, jag gör'et! (och jag smakade, och nej det var inte så gott som det doftade och jag ville inte ha en till bit)'
Allvarligt talat har jag såna mentala strider, diskussioner och funderingar nonstop i min hjärna. F*cking Dagligen! Inte undra på att folk tycker att jag är överaktiv och jag inte kräver mer än typ fem timmar sömn åt gången, min hjärna är så överaktiv att det smittar av sig på kroppen, sinnet och lynnet och mina handlingar. (och TRÖTTAR UT!)
(en av världens vackraste musikvideor och sånger...och jag kan äntligen lyssna på den utan att gråta bittertårar. Nu är de lyckliga tårar över hur fin kärleken är- All slags kärlek, inte bara partnerkärleken!)
Ide'n att vi har glömt att leva genom våra kroppar syns överallt i västvärlden;
-i vårt överviktsproblem (vi äter inte med kroppen utan med hjärnan, av fel orsaker och fel saker)
-i vår våldsstatisktik (jo jag vet att våld finns överallt, men typerna av våld och brottslighet växlar, och tex guncrime visar så tydligt på hur disconnected vi är från livet och kroppskonceptet - hur lätt det är att plocka upp en metallsak och avsluta nån annans liv för gott, man behöver knappast ens planera, känna efter och meditera mordet förut, bara att plocka upp vapnet, trycka av och pang!, ditt liv har förändrats för alltid och nån annans liv har slutat)
-i vår depressionsstatistik (jo min teori är att vi är sjuka och deprimerade just för att vi har glömt att leva genom våra kroppar. Istället för att lyssna på instinkten och kroppen och följa den [i allt, beslutet över om du ska ta jobbet, vilken mat du ska äta, hur mycket motion du behöver, om du får ut vad du ska ur ett förhållande...] ska allt rationaliseras, analyseras, motiveras, statistikeras, masseras, diagnostiseras
och kureras (med piller såklart - vår lilla lilla runda avbild av solen). Men vi ges eller ger oss själva sällan (aldrig?) tid att stanna upp, andas ut, känna efter med kroppen hur det känns/vad vi ska göra. Hur många av oss spenderar inte semestern med oändliga måsten, besök till avlägsna släktingar, hus och gårdsbestyr som är mer måste än njutning? Ta en break kan man göra i vardagen, hela tiden! Gå ut i skogen på lunchen (du behöver bara en kvart), stäng av tv'n och gå ut på en promenad istället, eller sätt dig på balkongen och dofta på vinden, ta trapporna istället för hissen, ta en omväg påväg till jobbet, gör yoga när du vaknar, stäng av mobiltelefonen med jämna mellanrum...) Jag säger som Ola Salo; Let your body decide where you want to go, high and low, fast and slow.....
-i vårt hälsosystem (nu utgår jag främst från det engelska, men det finska verkar inte SÅ hemkst annorlunda) (Är det inte chockerande att vad jag blir erbjuden som deprimerad är psyckofarmaka. Jo de nämner terapi, men väntekön att träffa nån är 2 månader, och väntekön sen att FÅ en regular therapist är 4-6 månader. Så i värsta fall 8 månader, före jag får TALA med nån. Säg det till en deprimerar och det om nåt får dig att vilja ta livet av dig. Så vi fortsätter att dopa, döva, modifiera våra kroppar med piller, både för själsont, halsont och magont. Tänk om min huvudvärk är pga att jag hatar mitt jobb på mycket, eller min halsont är pga mina chakras har gått helt åt h*lvete för att jag ignorerar/motarbetar dem? Tänk om mina hudproblem egentligen är ett symptom på kosten jag äter, eller pga stressen jag har där hemma med min sjuka make/a? Och nej jag säger inte att ALLA läkare bara skriver ut piller, eller att INGEN läkare förespråkar natural remedies. Och jag SKYLLER inte på läkare, sjuksköterskor eller västerländs medicin överlag. jag skäller på IDE'N ATT ALLT GÅR ATT BOTA MED PILLER. ATT DET ÄR VÅRA KROPPAR DET ÄR FEL PÅ, OCH INTE DET ATT VI KONSTANT IGNORERAR VÅRA KROPPAR SOM GÖR DEM SJUKA!
Jag skulle kunna fortsätta i evinnerlighet, men jag känner att jag ska istället avsluta med att ge er lite rogivande bilder från min ö och min gårdag. Tänkt inte på shoppinglistan, morgondagens bestyr, utan känn dofterna i hjärnan, och suset från havet. Enjoy!
Monday 26 September 2011
The hand that supplies the Cigarette
I eat Humble Pie. A very large succulent slice every time I have a cigarette. Oh and It Tastes Good (both the cigarette and the Humble Pie).
I did something as silly as publicly (well on facebook) announce that I will quit smoking. Having the 'Anna-Karin is SuperWoman' view of myself I thought that I am strong enough to just cut out cigarettes just like that. I even said that hey I will go cold turkey. If only I had a bigger stronger (hairier) chest I would have swung myself in a lian as well shouting 'Me Tarzan! Me strong! Me no smoking.......Oh Hello Jane!'.
I have always had a misconception of myself as a very non addictive person. Huh?? Do I actually know myself a tiniest bit???..Pah. I am probably the most addictive person I know! Think about it, I am addicted to pretty much everything! I simply love anything which can become an addiction. Currently I am (pretty much) addicted to; nicotine, alcohol, coffeine (newest addiction), teine (I would say since I was 13), secondhand shopping, physical touch (well that addiction isn't too bad and not something I would like to get rid off), talking constantly and endlessly, sugar and cocoa, yoga (oh the deamons are creaping upon me), Läkerol (three packs a week is close enough to an addiciton right?), love and writing. There is probably a few more you can add to the list, give or take.
The fact is and remains; I love smoking, and I love tobacco. I don't like normal cigarettest the tiniest bit anymore (I do smoke them if there is no rolling tobacco available, but it doesn't give me the same thrill, it's not dirty enough..), but rolled cigarettes, oh my oh my! I love everything about smoking rollies. I love the act of rolling, of sitting down, taking a break and rolling up a nice little rollie. I love the sense of achievement when you roll a really nice, tight little rollie. I love the anticipation after rolling up a nice rollie. I LOVE lighting it up and dragging that first deep craving lungdrag of a little tight menthol rollie. I love the sensation of menthol smoke in my lungs. I love breathing it out through my nose and feeling the slightly tickly sensation in my nose and airways. (I am aware that this sounds totally disgusting to nonsmokers and to anyone who knows anything about health - but hey this is my blog so read and weep or stop reading). I love sitting down, preferably in lotus position), wrapped up in cosy warm clothing (I am still wearing my hat) and just chilling out alone with my cigarette. I love watching it glow and smoke, and when it is really quiet hear the crackling of the ash when you inhale (you only get this with rolling paper, which is half of the pleasure of it). I even like when it finishes and stubbing it out with my fingers. Oh and I love the lingering smell of tobacco on my right hand (occasionally left).
I am not really a social smoker. Yes I smoke more when I am with smokers, and sometimes I do love sharing a cigarette (or several) with a friend or a group of friends, and I like making new friends whilst smoking. But I do prefer smoking on my own. Preferably with my writing book and a pen in my lap. There is no time when I am as most creative as when I am sitting alone with a cigarette. I have to find a supersmall writing book which I can have in my smoking bag (yes I have one -it is probably the 18th one, as I keep loosing them whilst drunk, and one got stolen!! Bastardo!), and a really tiny pen, as now I sometimes forget to bring it out with me, and then have to either think really intensly at the idea for it not to dissapear, or run in halfway through the cigarette (another good thing with rollies, if goes out and you can keep smoking later) to fetch my book, a piece of paper or whatever I can possibly write on. Most of my blog ideas, new poems, column ideas have been born whilst smoking.
Oh yes, I know that I idealise smoking, and I am probably affected by smoking in films and the wider culture, as I always start craving a cigarette when someone lights up in a film (70s-80s films are the worst, as they smoke ALL the f*cking time, and it looks so enjoyable as well!), but I am still stuck with loving it. It is my favourite hobby, way to meditate and to give birth to new creative ideas and inspiration.
So, where does the health aspect fit in? My health is the only reason I feel like I should stop smoking at all. I love smoking and would love to continue smoking all my life, but I have a bad consciense smoking. Bad consciense both towards myself and others in my proximity.
My grandmom died of lung cancer. Yes, she hadn't smoked for many many years, and one cannot conclude directly that it was tobacco related as people do get lung cancer without smoking, but still. Besides my grandmother most people in my family have had cancer of some kind one time or another, and that should rationally be a good reason for me to want to cut down all the obvious factors which will give me cancer. But then again, doesn't mobile phones, glitter nail varnish, ironing boards, airborne and waterborne poisions, radioactive radiation, the sun, lack of exercise, plastic and a thousand other things also increase my risk of cancer? To be able to live a life free of cancer risks I should A. live in the middle of the forest, B. Eat pretty much roots, berries, organice vegetables from organic soil, C. Exercise all the bloody time, D. Drink a lot of Green Tea (yuk, hate that shit), E. Try to stay away from modern technology (especially mobile phones) and not own a car, F. Bike everywhere, G. Get a lot of sunshine but always wearing sunscreen.
Concluding, I should live like Plupp, have naturally blue (cause hair dye is no good) hair, live in a kåta in the forrest and be friends with a Hermelin. Oh, and eat blueberries, lots of it! Not sure how that would fit into my life? And also, if I live in a forest, where will I get the sunscreen from? And what will I live off? I don't think mushrooms, blueberries and lingonberries will suit my body for too long, considering that I shake and faint if I don't eat about 7 kilos of food througout the day.
So, I can't live in some kind of idyllic Plupp world, however much I would like to. I am a child of my time, I am an egocentric, Western 80s yuppie kid. I like spending money, I have an unrealistic image of my body and my own mortality. I don't think that health problems will affect me, just others, and I think (and am told) that the day when/IF it comes I will be able to take a few pills, get some radiation or othersorts and then I will be able to keep living my life.
So I am battling bad conscience vs. the love of and craving for smoking. And the smoking conqours every time. Every damn time. I simply don't WANT to quit smoking, I bloody love it. It has become a little of a trade mark for me. Not that I think I am cool when I smoke (cause I burn myself all the time, ash on my clothes and fall over when drunk and trying to sit down to roll one up), but becase I have been rolling for about a year and a half and it suits me, it calms me, and I am almost always seen with a rollie hanging from the corner of my mouth. I spread filters around me almost as much as I spread words and smiles, and where I have been there is most likely a few crumbles of tobacco, a discarded paper or a forgotten filter. Rollies copywright A-K or something like that.
So, what are the options? Trying to convince myself that I WANT to stop smoking? Or finding out where the hell they sell the salad cigarettes which Sarah Jessica Parker smokes in Sex and the city? (cause no, she is not a smoker in real life). Invent a tasty, healthy berrytobacco which works like normal rolling tobacco but is full of antioxidants and will reduce your risk of cancer??? I will think about it whilst enjoying another cigarette...
I did something as silly as publicly (well on facebook) announce that I will quit smoking. Having the 'Anna-Karin is SuperWoman' view of myself I thought that I am strong enough to just cut out cigarettes just like that. I even said that hey I will go cold turkey. If only I had a bigger stronger (hairier) chest I would have swung myself in a lian as well shouting 'Me Tarzan! Me strong! Me no smoking.......Oh Hello Jane!'.
I have always had a misconception of myself as a very non addictive person. Huh?? Do I actually know myself a tiniest bit???..Pah. I am probably the most addictive person I know! Think about it, I am addicted to pretty much everything! I simply love anything which can become an addiction. Currently I am (pretty much) addicted to; nicotine, alcohol, coffeine (newest addiction), teine (I would say since I was 13), secondhand shopping, physical touch (well that addiction isn't too bad and not something I would like to get rid off), talking constantly and endlessly, sugar and cocoa, yoga (oh the deamons are creaping upon me), Läkerol (three packs a week is close enough to an addiciton right?), love and writing. There is probably a few more you can add to the list, give or take.
The fact is and remains; I love smoking, and I love tobacco. I don't like normal cigarettest the tiniest bit anymore (I do smoke them if there is no rolling tobacco available, but it doesn't give me the same thrill, it's not dirty enough..), but rolled cigarettes, oh my oh my! I love everything about smoking rollies. I love the act of rolling, of sitting down, taking a break and rolling up a nice little rollie. I love the sense of achievement when you roll a really nice, tight little rollie. I love the anticipation after rolling up a nice rollie. I LOVE lighting it up and dragging that first deep craving lungdrag of a little tight menthol rollie. I love the sensation of menthol smoke in my lungs. I love breathing it out through my nose and feeling the slightly tickly sensation in my nose and airways. (I am aware that this sounds totally disgusting to nonsmokers and to anyone who knows anything about health - but hey this is my blog so read and weep or stop reading). I love sitting down, preferably in lotus position), wrapped up in cosy warm clothing (I am still wearing my hat) and just chilling out alone with my cigarette. I love watching it glow and smoke, and when it is really quiet hear the crackling of the ash when you inhale (you only get this with rolling paper, which is half of the pleasure of it). I even like when it finishes and stubbing it out with my fingers. Oh and I love the lingering smell of tobacco on my right hand (occasionally left).
I am not really a social smoker. Yes I smoke more when I am with smokers, and sometimes I do love sharing a cigarette (or several) with a friend or a group of friends, and I like making new friends whilst smoking. But I do prefer smoking on my own. Preferably with my writing book and a pen in my lap. There is no time when I am as most creative as when I am sitting alone with a cigarette. I have to find a supersmall writing book which I can have in my smoking bag (yes I have one -it is probably the 18th one, as I keep loosing them whilst drunk, and one got stolen!! Bastardo!), and a really tiny pen, as now I sometimes forget to bring it out with me, and then have to either think really intensly at the idea for it not to dissapear, or run in halfway through the cigarette (another good thing with rollies, if goes out and you can keep smoking later) to fetch my book, a piece of paper or whatever I can possibly write on. Most of my blog ideas, new poems, column ideas have been born whilst smoking.
Oh yes, I know that I idealise smoking, and I am probably affected by smoking in films and the wider culture, as I always start craving a cigarette when someone lights up in a film (70s-80s films are the worst, as they smoke ALL the f*cking time, and it looks so enjoyable as well!), but I am still stuck with loving it. It is my favourite hobby, way to meditate and to give birth to new creative ideas and inspiration.
So, where does the health aspect fit in? My health is the only reason I feel like I should stop smoking at all. I love smoking and would love to continue smoking all my life, but I have a bad consciense smoking. Bad consciense both towards myself and others in my proximity.
My grandmom died of lung cancer. Yes, she hadn't smoked for many many years, and one cannot conclude directly that it was tobacco related as people do get lung cancer without smoking, but still. Besides my grandmother most people in my family have had cancer of some kind one time or another, and that should rationally be a good reason for me to want to cut down all the obvious factors which will give me cancer. But then again, doesn't mobile phones, glitter nail varnish, ironing boards, airborne and waterborne poisions, radioactive radiation, the sun, lack of exercise, plastic and a thousand other things also increase my risk of cancer? To be able to live a life free of cancer risks I should A. live in the middle of the forest, B. Eat pretty much roots, berries, organice vegetables from organic soil, C. Exercise all the bloody time, D. Drink a lot of Green Tea (yuk, hate that shit), E. Try to stay away from modern technology (especially mobile phones) and not own a car, F. Bike everywhere, G. Get a lot of sunshine but always wearing sunscreen.
Concluding, I should live like Plupp, have naturally blue (cause hair dye is no good) hair, live in a kåta in the forrest and be friends with a Hermelin. Oh, and eat blueberries, lots of it! Not sure how that would fit into my life? And also, if I live in a forest, where will I get the sunscreen from? And what will I live off? I don't think mushrooms, blueberries and lingonberries will suit my body for too long, considering that I shake and faint if I don't eat about 7 kilos of food througout the day.
So, I can't live in some kind of idyllic Plupp world, however much I would like to. I am a child of my time, I am an egocentric, Western 80s yuppie kid. I like spending money, I have an unrealistic image of my body and my own mortality. I don't think that health problems will affect me, just others, and I think (and am told) that the day when/IF it comes I will be able to take a few pills, get some radiation or othersorts and then I will be able to keep living my life.
So I am battling bad conscience vs. the love of and craving for smoking. And the smoking conqours every time. Every damn time. I simply don't WANT to quit smoking, I bloody love it. It has become a little of a trade mark for me. Not that I think I am cool when I smoke (cause I burn myself all the time, ash on my clothes and fall over when drunk and trying to sit down to roll one up), but becase I have been rolling for about a year and a half and it suits me, it calms me, and I am almost always seen with a rollie hanging from the corner of my mouth. I spread filters around me almost as much as I spread words and smiles, and where I have been there is most likely a few crumbles of tobacco, a discarded paper or a forgotten filter. Rollies copywright A-K or something like that.
So, what are the options? Trying to convince myself that I WANT to stop smoking? Or finding out where the hell they sell the salad cigarettes which Sarah Jessica Parker smokes in Sex and the city? (cause no, she is not a smoker in real life). Invent a tasty, healthy berrytobacco which works like normal rolling tobacco but is full of antioxidants and will reduce your risk of cancer??? I will think about it whilst enjoying another cigarette...
Friday 23 September 2011
.Love. .Acceptance. .Forgiveness.
are the three words by which I try to live my life. Self knowledge, acceptance and forgiveness becomes more and more important to me day by day, and I try to constantly self analyse in order to make myself a better, bigger and more forgiving person.
It always provokes me when people defend religion by saying things like;
"religion has given/ gives us morality"
"religion teaches us how to behave"
"without religion we would all be savages"
"Hitler was religious" (".......and a vegetarian" - but that is a seperate discussion all together)
I accept that there is such a thing as the 10 Commandments, and that they are pretty decent. But if you accept the Christian religion, and the Bible as it's Holy Book I feel that you also have to accept the Old Testament, which also tells us that it is ok to rape someone's wife if they rape your wife, to kill, and that one should not eat prawns (I am not an expert but I think the pink little bastards are in some way unclean...correct me if I have misunderstood).
We (as in humanity and the human race) had morals, laws and commandments way before Jesus was allegedly born. We have law systems, courts and morals going back to Romans, Ancient Greeks and much further back. Yes, religion has always played part in societies' moral system, and yes, there are good things with religion as well, but to say that morality and the Law comes from the Christian faith and the Bible is showing total disregard towards History and ancient wisdom.
That said I accept everyone's personal belief, as long as they don't try to enforce it on someone else, or their faith/belief means that they disregard other people's beliefs/faith and right to life. I have religious people in my family, most of my friends are religious in some way or form, so to say that I have a problem with Christian/religious people is ludacris, as it would mean that I have a problem with my friends and family.
All I am trying to say is that please don't try to enforce your beliefs on me. Or assume/indicate/say that my beliefs/morality/way of living my life is in some way inferior to Yours because I am an Atheist. I am an atheist and I am proud of it. Pondering life, love, acceptance and respect is central to my life, and something which I grow of every day - but there are other ways to discuss and understand life's big questions than in a religious/Christian context. Mamma has a wonderful saying which is "Var och en blir helig på sin sak" (something like "Each person finds serenity in their own way"), and I think if every person on earth would simply accept this and stop trying to enforce their beliefs/religion on others we would have a MUCH better world.
Being an atheist is to me a personal and well thought over desicion - one which I rethink almost daily and have accepted with as much love and serenity as most religious people have accepted and live with their faith. Being an atheist does not mean that I don't have passions, beliefs and life values- on the contrary. I have very very strong values and beliefs, and to a large extent they are very similar to a religious person's belief, I have just cut out the (in my opinion) bullcrap of organised religion - the oldfashioned, bigoted, sexist, xenophobic, racist and homophobic attitudes and convictions.
I try (and yes I am an incomplete individual, I lie, steal and dissapoint myself and others - not because I am an atheist but because I'm a Human Being) to live my life by the following lead words;
Respect (respecting myself, other people, Humanity, all living beings and the World at large)
Openmindedness (being openminded towards myself, other people, Humanity, all living beings and the World at large)
Forgiveness (forgiving myself, other people, Humanity, all living beings and the World at large)
So yes, I am an uncompleted individual, but so are you, and so are every other Human Being on the planet. That is why we have to contstantly ransack ourselves, the way we live, think, act, breathe, appear, speak and judge others. I am just as incomplete as most religious people, maybe a little less than some, and a little more than some. But we are all Humans, which mean that we do mistakes, dissapoint, hurt and cheat people.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE CAN'T TRY TO BE THE BEST PEOPLE POSSIBLE - AND LOVE EACH OTHER REGARDLESS OF BELIEFS, SEXUAL/LOVE DESIRES, SKIN COLOUR, AGE, (DIS)ABILITY, SEX/GENDER (and there are a lot more than two - or none at all), AND ALL THE OTHER 'CHARACTERISTICS' WHICH SUPPOSEDLY MAKE US APART. THERE ARE NO 'RACES' - WE ARE ALL ONE HUMAN RACE, WE COME FROM THE SAME PLACE, FROM THE SAME SOIL AND EARTHMOTHER. SO LET'S JUST CUT THIS BULLCRAP AND START LIVING TOGETHER, LOVING EACH OTHER AND ACCEPTING AND RESPECTING EACH OTHER. GODDAMNIT!
It always provokes me when people defend religion by saying things like;
"religion has given/ gives us morality"
"religion teaches us how to behave"
"without religion we would all be savages"
"Hitler was religious" (".......and a vegetarian" - but that is a seperate discussion all together)
I accept that there is such a thing as the 10 Commandments, and that they are pretty decent. But if you accept the Christian religion, and the Bible as it's Holy Book I feel that you also have to accept the Old Testament, which also tells us that it is ok to rape someone's wife if they rape your wife, to kill, and that one should not eat prawns (I am not an expert but I think the pink little bastards are in some way unclean...correct me if I have misunderstood).
We (as in humanity and the human race) had morals, laws and commandments way before Jesus was allegedly born. We have law systems, courts and morals going back to Romans, Ancient Greeks and much further back. Yes, religion has always played part in societies' moral system, and yes, there are good things with religion as well, but to say that morality and the Law comes from the Christian faith and the Bible is showing total disregard towards History and ancient wisdom.
That said I accept everyone's personal belief, as long as they don't try to enforce it on someone else, or their faith/belief means that they disregard other people's beliefs/faith and right to life. I have religious people in my family, most of my friends are religious in some way or form, so to say that I have a problem with Christian/religious people is ludacris, as it would mean that I have a problem with my friends and family.
All I am trying to say is that please don't try to enforce your beliefs on me. Or assume/indicate/say that my beliefs/morality/way of living my life is in some way inferior to Yours because I am an Atheist. I am an atheist and I am proud of it. Pondering life, love, acceptance and respect is central to my life, and something which I grow of every day - but there are other ways to discuss and understand life's big questions than in a religious/Christian context. Mamma has a wonderful saying which is "Var och en blir helig på sin sak" (something like "Each person finds serenity in their own way"), and I think if every person on earth would simply accept this and stop trying to enforce their beliefs/religion on others we would have a MUCH better world.
Being an atheist is to me a personal and well thought over desicion - one which I rethink almost daily and have accepted with as much love and serenity as most religious people have accepted and live with their faith. Being an atheist does not mean that I don't have passions, beliefs and life values- on the contrary. I have very very strong values and beliefs, and to a large extent they are very similar to a religious person's belief, I have just cut out the (in my opinion) bullcrap of organised religion - the oldfashioned, bigoted, sexist, xenophobic, racist and homophobic attitudes and convictions.
I try (and yes I am an incomplete individual, I lie, steal and dissapoint myself and others - not because I am an atheist but because I'm a Human Being) to live my life by the following lead words;
Love (loving myself, other people, Humanity, all living beings and the World at large)
Acceptance (accepting myself, other people, Humanity, all living beings and the World at large)Respect (respecting myself, other people, Humanity, all living beings and the World at large)
Openmindedness (being openminded towards myself, other people, Humanity, all living beings and the World at large)
Forgiveness (forgiving myself, other people, Humanity, all living beings and the World at large)
So yes, I am an uncompleted individual, but so are you, and so are every other Human Being on the planet. That is why we have to contstantly ransack ourselves, the way we live, think, act, breathe, appear, speak and judge others. I am just as incomplete as most religious people, maybe a little less than some, and a little more than some. But we are all Humans, which mean that we do mistakes, dissapoint, hurt and cheat people.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE CAN'T TRY TO BE THE BEST PEOPLE POSSIBLE - AND LOVE EACH OTHER REGARDLESS OF BELIEFS, SEXUAL/LOVE DESIRES, SKIN COLOUR, AGE, (DIS)ABILITY, SEX/GENDER (and there are a lot more than two - or none at all), AND ALL THE OTHER 'CHARACTERISTICS' WHICH SUPPOSEDLY MAKE US APART. THERE ARE NO 'RACES' - WE ARE ALL ONE HUMAN RACE, WE COME FROM THE SAME PLACE, FROM THE SAME SOIL AND EARTHMOTHER. SO LET'S JUST CUT THIS BULLCRAP AND START LIVING TOGETHER, LOVING EACH OTHER AND ACCEPTING AND RESPECTING EACH OTHER. GODDAMNIT!
Europetrip cut short - last few days in Sweden; a tattoo, a lot of tears, being hit by a madwoman and getting new wellies!
Well, after the shock news on Sunday I obviously didn't want to keep travelling, so sis and I decided to take the ferry from Stockholm on Wednesday, and then the bus up to Jakobstad from Åbo. As such Sunday to Wednesday were spent in Söderbylund at Malin & Henrik's place, doing a little of this and a little of that, let's take a look...
Saturday was my last day in Örebro, and after a wonderful picnic in the autumn sun Rosita and I took a glass of wine at Danske Kroen, and I met a man from Lovisa and got to speak our beatiful ankdamsfinlandssvenska! Very happy Anna-Karin!
Sunday I got up extra early, and Rosita got up with me! After some brekkies (during which I was mostly drawing and colouring and explaining stuff to Rosita, and she was saying 'eat a little now' during the worst of my damp'iness...)
I then took my thousand bags and headed off to the station, to catch the train to Enköping, leaving Rosita behind): After a train journey I took a bus to Uppsala, and then another bus on to Rimbo, close to where M&H lives. Interesting point; not far from Rimbo I saw a traffic sign warning me for wild hogs!!
Allergics were allowed on the bus, but only on the front seats....
Felt pretty sad and lonesome when we got back, and cuddling with the cats was a wonderful distraction! Simba has finally got the point with the Cat Blanket! Clever cat!
On Monday we went into Norrtälje to chat to a tattooist and do some other stuff, and after I had been assaulted (see previous entry for details!) we had to strenghten ourselves with a coffee at Cafe' Hörnan, it has such beautiful peaceful decor!
Malin's apple bread was simply DIVINE! Look closely and you will see that it is still steaming! Bliss!
Oh, M&H got the loveliest mail ever from various village congregations and organisations, I want to live in a village and get invited to choir evenings, poetry and harvest fiests!
Positive attitude; rain is rain, but if you have bright red new wellies everything's ok!
On Tuesday afternoon we headed off to Norrtälje again, as it wa time to get my tattoo!! Woop Wooop! My tattooist was simply amazing! He was probably 150 kilos muscle and tattoes, but he was the gentlest tattoist ever, it hardly hurt the slightest, almos blood free and simply no scab! And it was quick as h*ll, outlines, colour and shading was all done under 45 minutes!!! So happy with it!
The next day, Wednesday, my tattoo looked like this, and still no pain, redness or scab!
I was still a naugthy smoker (cough cough, I still am on Friday.....) and enjoyed some very early morning (6 AM) cigarettes and tea on the veranda...
...firmly anchored in the Scandinavian soil (forever now!)
M&H were going to pick me up for leaving to Stockholm in the afternoon, so the morning was spent cuddling with the cats (darn I will miss these cats!!), knitting, listening to music, packing, running around barefoot in the rain and such things...
Saturday was my last day in Örebro, and after a wonderful picnic in the autumn sun Rosita and I took a glass of wine at Danske Kroen, and I met a man from Lovisa and got to speak our beatiful ankdamsfinlandssvenska! Very happy Anna-Karin!
Sunday I got up extra early, and Rosita got up with me! After some brekkies (during which I was mostly drawing and colouring and explaining stuff to Rosita, and she was saying 'eat a little now' during the worst of my damp'iness...)
I then took my thousand bags and headed off to the station, to catch the train to Enköping, leaving Rosita behind): After a train journey I took a bus to Uppsala, and then another bus on to Rimbo, close to where M&H lives. Interesting point; not far from Rimbo I saw a traffic sign warning me for wild hogs!!
my new wellies!
When we got back we felt a bit pekish, so Malin made some apple bread and I did carrot-pumpkin seed-herb scones!
On Tuesday I woke up at the ungodly hour of 4.00AM, but thanfully the cats felt like having a cuddle, which was nice! I pottered around, had a cup of tea and wrote about my granddad. Had a little cry and a lot of cat cuddles..Then I went back to sleep..
On Tuesday afternoon we headed off to Norrtälje again, as it wa time to get my tattoo!! Woop Wooop! My tattooist was simply amazing! He was probably 150 kilos muscle and tattoes, but he was the gentlest tattoist ever, it hardly hurt the slightest, almos blood free and simply no scab! And it was quick as h*ll, outlines, colour and shading was all done under 45 minutes!!! So happy with it!
The next day, Wednesday, my tattoo looked like this, and still no pain, redness or scab!
M&H were going to pick me up for leaving to Stockholm in the afternoon, so the morning was spent cuddling with the cats (darn I will miss these cats!!), knitting, listening to music, packing, running around barefoot in the rain and such things...
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