The hand that supplies the Cigarette

I eat Humble Pie. A very large succulent slice every time I have a cigarette. Oh and It Tastes Good (both the cigarette and the Humble Pie).

I did something as silly as publicly (well on facebook) announce that I will quit smoking. Having the 'Anna-Karin is SuperWoman' view of myself I thought that I am strong enough to just cut out cigarettes just like that. I even said that hey I will go cold turkey. If only I had a bigger stronger (hairier) chest I would have swung myself in a lian as well shouting 'Me Tarzan! Me strong! Me no smoking.......Oh Hello Jane!'.

I have always had a misconception of myself as a very non addictive person. Huh?? Do I actually know myself a tiniest bit???..Pah. I am probably the most addictive person I know! Think about it, I am addicted to pretty much everything! I simply love anything which can become an addiction. Currently I am (pretty much) addicted to; nicotine, alcohol, coffeine (newest addiction), teine (I would say since I was 13), secondhand shopping, physical touch (well that addiction isn't too bad and not something I would like to get rid off), talking constantly and endlessly, sugar and cocoa, yoga (oh the deamons are creaping upon me), Läkerol (three packs a week is close enough to an addiciton right?), love and writing. There is probably a few more you can add to the list, give or take.

 The fact is and remains; I love smoking, and I love tobacco. I don't like normal cigarettest the tiniest bit anymore (I do smoke them if there is no rolling tobacco available, but it doesn't give me the same thrill, it's not dirty enough..), but rolled cigarettes, oh my oh my! I love everything about smoking rollies. I love the act of rolling, of sitting down, taking a break and rolling up a nice little rollie. I love the sense of achievement when you roll a really nice, tight little rollie. I love the anticipation after rolling up a nice rollie. I LOVE lighting it up and dragging that first deep craving lungdrag of a little tight menthol rollie. I love the sensation of menthol smoke in my lungs. I love breathing it out through my nose and feeling the slightly tickly sensation in my nose and airways. (I am aware that this sounds totally disgusting to nonsmokers and to anyone who knows anything about health - but hey this is my blog so read and weep or stop reading). I love sitting down, preferably in lotus position), wrapped up in cosy warm clothing (I am still wearing my hat) and just chilling out alone with my cigarette. I love watching it glow and smoke, and when it is really quiet hear the crackling of the ash when you inhale (you only get this with rolling paper, which is half of the pleasure of it). I even like when it finishes and stubbing it out with my fingers. Oh and I love the lingering smell of tobacco on my right hand (occasionally left).

I am not really a social smoker. Yes I smoke more when I am with smokers, and sometimes I do love sharing a cigarette (or several) with a friend or a group of friends, and I like making new friends whilst smoking. But I do prefer smoking on my own. Preferably with my writing book and a pen in my lap. There is no time when I am as most creative as when I am sitting alone with a cigarette. I have to find a supersmall writing book which I can have in my smoking bag (yes I have one -it is probably the 18th one, as I keep loosing them whilst drunk, and one got stolen!! Bastardo!), and a really tiny pen, as now I sometimes forget to bring it out with me, and then have to either think really intensly at the idea for it not to dissapear, or run in halfway through the cigarette (another good thing with rollies, if goes out and you can keep smoking later) to fetch my book, a piece of paper or whatever I can possibly write on. Most of my blog ideas, new poems, column ideas have been born whilst smoking.

Oh yes, I know that I idealise smoking, and I am probably affected by smoking in films and the wider culture, as I always start craving a cigarette when someone lights up in a film (70s-80s films are the worst, as they smoke ALL the f*cking time, and it looks so enjoyable as well!), but I am still stuck with loving it. It is my favourite hobby, way to meditate and to give birth to new creative ideas and inspiration.

So, where does the health aspect fit in? My health is the only reason I feel like I should stop smoking at all. I love smoking and would love to continue smoking all my life, but I have a bad consciense smoking. Bad consciense both towards myself and others in my proximity.

My grandmom died of lung cancer. Yes, she hadn't smoked for many many years, and one cannot conclude directly that it was tobacco related as people do get lung cancer without smoking, but still. Besides my grandmother most people in my family have had cancer of some kind one time or another, and that should rationally be a good reason for me to want to cut down all the obvious factors which will give me cancer. But then again, doesn't mobile phones, glitter nail varnish, ironing boards, airborne and waterborne poisions, radioactive radiation, the sun, lack of exercise, plastic and a thousand other things also increase my risk of cancer? To be able to live a life free of cancer risks I should A. live in the middle of the forest, B. Eat pretty much roots, berries, organice vegetables from organic soil, C. Exercise all the bloody time, D. Drink a lot of Green Tea (yuk, hate that shit), E. Try to stay away from modern technology (especially mobile phones) and not own a car, F. Bike everywhere, G. Get a lot of sunshine but always wearing sunscreen.

Concluding, I should live like Plupp, have naturally blue (cause hair dye is no good) hair, live in a kåta in the forrest and be friends with a Hermelin. Oh, and eat blueberries, lots of it! Not sure how that would fit into my life? And also, if I live in a forest, where will I get the sunscreen from? And what will I live off? I don't think mushrooms, blueberries and lingonberries will suit my body for too long, considering that I shake and faint if I don't eat about 7 kilos of food througout the day.

So, I can't live in some kind of idyllic Plupp world, however much I would like to. I am a child of my time, I am an egocentric, Western 80s yuppie kid. I like spending money, I have an unrealistic image of my body and my own mortality. I don't think that health problems will affect me, just others, and I think (and am told) that the day when/IF it comes I will be able to take a few pills, get some radiation or othersorts and then I will be able to keep living my life.

So I am battling bad conscience vs. the love of and craving for smoking. And the smoking conqours every time. Every damn time. I simply don't WANT to quit smoking, I bloody love it. It has become a little of a trade mark for me. Not that I think I am cool when I smoke (cause I burn myself all the time, ash on my clothes and fall over when drunk and trying to sit down to roll one up), but becase I have been rolling for about a year and a half and it suits me, it calms me, and I am almost always seen with a rollie hanging from the corner of my mouth. I spread filters around me almost as much as I spread words and smiles, and where I have been there is most likely a few crumbles of tobacco, a discarded paper or a forgotten filter. Rollies copywright A-K or something like that.

So, what are the options? Trying to convince myself that I WANT to stop smoking? Or finding out where the hell they sell the salad cigarettes which Sarah Jessica Parker smokes in Sex and the city? (cause no, she is not a smoker in real life). Invent a tasty, healthy berrytobacco which works like normal rolling tobacco but is full of antioxidants and will reduce your risk of cancer??? I will think about it whilst enjoying another cigarette...