About giving love and recieving it back

2010-2011 has been the hardest years in my life, but now I am so happy I have experienced everything I have experienced because I truly think that it has made me a better human being. I always thought that the what doesn't kill you makes you stronger saying was just bullshit, but I can say now that hey, it's probably true!

It's funny really that sometimes you have all the opportunities in the world, but you can't see anything else but black and closed doors. And then all you need sometimes to move your feet a little again is someone or something slowly opening a bit of a window and showing you some light.

I am lucky enough (I chose to not say blessed, because a lot of the people in my life I have freely chosen , not been blessed with...) to have such amazing, strong, wonderful and truly loving people in my life who have not only opened windows for me, but blown big f*cking holes with machineguns and diggers and bombs in walls of concrete to let the sun shine in hot as h*ll and blind me with opportunities! And sometimes, when you listen, and let people who love you take care of you, everything just works out for the best.

It was Mamma who said Kom hem. It was Pappa who said Vi kommer och hamtar dig med bilen (from LONDON!). It was my sisters who texted, called and emailed me. It was Michelle who let me cry on her shoulder so many times. It was Soffi who listened, listened and cried with (for) me when I couldn't cry. It was Kim who took me out for a bottle of wine and conforted me when I apologised for being so boring and quiet. It was Jessica who said I know you're not allright mate, stop saying you are. It was Sonia who made me feel I was not alone and crazy, we are all crazy and alone sometimes, but help is at hand if you need it. It was Isa who came for dinner with me, said Fa hem, and took all my stuff with her to Stockholm. It was Adriana who had an amazing party when she cooked me dinner, felt the same and who I could both support and be supported by. It was Lila who came to my good bye party even though she felt like shit (it meant a lot!). It was even the random guy who theatrically said Anna, oh Anna, where have you been all my life? Why are you going to Finland when I have just met you? It was Heidi who took me in with open arms, laughed, partied and just chilled out with me. It was Kevin who stopped crying every time he saw me and started laughing instead. It was Mathias who wanted to see me and had beers with me in their backyard. It was Sofia who sent long emails and asked me to come visit her in Helsinki. It was Elin who worried about me all the way over in Berlin (alskling jag kande din karlek over himlavarven). It was Ida who asked (told) me to write again, who told me (some of) her secrets and who gave me a date with her cat. It was the man who took care of me when I fell of my bike. It was Sofia who spontaneously gave me the most beautiful bouqet of sunflowers I have ever seen, and who I shared secrets with on the jeti and who cried for me, for herself and for life, but then laughed. It was Lilla O. not being born yet but still teaching me so much about the miracle of life. It was Fia who enthusiastically photographed my skip dive and told me I can sleep on her sofa anytime.  It was Linus who apologies for stuff which happened 8 years ago and who is now my fadder for me to become a member of Svenska Klubben. It was Martin who got upset when I didn't come up to his room and tickled him near to death. It was Oskar just because he is Oskar. It was Heidi & Bjorn for offering me film nights anytime, and for bearing two amazing nephews for me. It was Maj-Britt who talked about fammo, made me cry and laugh, was interested in talking about feminism and became my idol (det var Maj-Britt som talade om fammo, fick mig att grata och skratta, var intresserad av att tala om feminism och blev min idol). It was Joel who said klart du far komma och halsa pa och sova over. It was Jutta who drank tea with me and let me ramble on and told me I bike like an anarchist (that wasn't the word though, what was it?....). It was Malin who had me over for a week even though her ears ache from my shrill voice (I am sorry sister but you know I have always been loud - I know you love me even though you ask me to shut up sometimes). It was Sandra oh Sandra who let me cry in her arms for hours and patted my hair and kissed my tairs away and told me (and made me believe) that love is endless, who tought me how to crochet and sat with me when I got tattoed. It was Ellen who I have always wanted to be friends with and who has now joined my gang. And it was Vanda who came to my magical island and loved it, who let me braid his hair and who calls me sunflower eyes.

I know so many amazing people that I have run out of colours to highlight their names with. That's how lucky, blessed and amazing my life is. And as someone said to me you are the only person who can be best at being you, so I will continue being me, with a stronger straighter back, less angst in my belly and more love in my heart. Because I love you all, so damn much, and when you start loving you can't stop, and that's pretty amazing isn't it???

It's amazing being abroad now and simultaneously love every day as it is, longing for London and longing for Osterbotten. Livet e bra.