So, there I was, on the plane - wishing I was on the ground. Not wanting to be in the air, on my way to London, or anywhere else for that matter. Just wanting to go home. The realisation made my strangely calm and sensible, I analysed through my feelings by writing writing almost the entire plane journey, and it made me feel a little better.
I think I had attached so much hopes and dreams and feelings to this trip. It was not only two weeks in London to visit the town I have spent 7 years living in, and an opportunity to see my friends. Of some reason or other I have transformed this trip into some sort of sign of my Recovery. A sign of me being grown up, responsible, single, a free spirit, a cosmopolitan European Citizen with two hometowns. I felt neither of these things when I landed in London. I felt small, lost, confused, tired, sad, negative and wierdly enough scared.
London did not use to scare me, at all. Well of course, there was times where THINGS scared me, situations, some people etc. But the town in itself? Nope, it was home. It was wellknown. I was able to do all the everyday things and the non everyday things on autopilot. I knew the tube, I knew the streets, I knew the bars, I knew the culture and jargon....
And now? It is amazing how much 5 months can change you. So, so, so very much has happened in 5 months, both internally and externally, which has not quite made me a different person, but defintely made me loose my hardness. And THAT is why London was so scary. All of a sudden I realised how hard I had made myself (unknowlingly for the most part) to be able to deal with London. To see the homeless, soaked malnurished beggers, to watch the struggling always moneypinching irritated single mothers on their weekly shop, to glance at the stressed moneyobsessed city workers with their Economist and shiny shoes - WITHOUT MY HEART BREAKING!
I am not saying this is all London is, no way, I am saying that this is ONE part of London. And I know that there are plenty of city workers who volunteer in soup kitchens, and single mothers who are so by choice and love their lives. It is not pity or hatred or sadness on their behalf I am feeling. It is what I see when I am not in a good place. I see the ugliness, the greyness, the lifelessness, the sadness, the poverty, the malnurishment, the alcoholism, the drugaddiction - and it absolutely breaks my heart. I am not able to deal with it at the moment. And I think the only way I was able to ever deal with it was to make myself hard, make myself what I thought a Big Town Girl was like; street smart, sharp, with a quick tounge and a 'don't fuck with me' attitude.
And I guess it worked as I had surprisingly little shit in London, I managed to get myself out of tricky situations, to not be in the wrong place at the wrong time, avoid too stupid situations. But I forgot my need for widereaching nature and emptiness, my longing for the wide open ocean, the endless starry skies and fresh snow. Personal space. Handshakes rather than kisses on the cheek. Time and Space to think, contemplate and Calm Down.
So London was a shock, a bit of a disaster to start with. By the time I got to Michelles I was in a serious frazzle. Desperately unhappy, confused and sad. Oh Michelle my wonderful Michelle. Sat me down on her couch (I off course hit my head on the shelf above), gave me a hug and then made me a cuppa. Sat down on the bed and let me talk, to her and at her. And then we decided to sleep and deal with it in the morning. Clever Girl. Awesome Friend.
And yes, it felt better in the morning. I didn't sleep particularly well, but it was nice to wake up safe and warm in Mich's wellknown room, having breakfast together and just chatting about big and small things. Unpacking my bag. Stroking the wrinkles out of my clothes. I had made a decision already on the plane that I would shorten my trip, and cut out the Helsinki-bit of the equation. As I really did not have either the money, energy or desire to do all of that. Not enough capacity.
So I talked to SAS, talked to my mum, and all worked out fine. It actually worked out very very well, I got to come home a week earlier, which made the trip a perfect lenght, and made it possible to fly straight to Kokkola rather than to Helsinki and then having to take the train etc. And I felt so so so so much better after that decision was made and the new plane ticket booked. NOW I could start enjoying my week.
So, after that it has been a really good and fun week. I will post more about what has actually been going on, because it requires pictures and new energy, but I can say that it has been a week full of adventure, friendship, laughter, walks, wonderful food, crazy dancing, calm cups of tea, lovely glasses of red, second hand shopping, coffee and some crazy new years celebration.
WHAT A WEEK! Thanks all you lovelies for being my friends, I love you so much! And London's my second hometown after all, I just need a little more distance and time and stability back home to be able to properly enjoy it, but I will be back, trust that!
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