Now back at the new flat, and enjoying my first lonely morning here, as mamma and pappa have gone off to work. As there is not too many practical things to sort out yet with the funeral and other bits and pieces they decided to go to work. I hope their days won't be too hard! At least I am lucky enough to be able to do whatever I want with my days, cry exactly when I need to and want to, listen to soothing music and knit all day long. It is cold and rainy outside, and I have curled up in the sofa with Radio Paradise, a cup of Skogsdunge Tea, loads of pillows and some belgian chocolate. I think I now will survive also this Sad Monday. When are Mondays gonna start being good days again??
I feel like I have lost my emotional shell or pansar. I like to think sometimes that I am hard as nail and that shit can't get through to my core and mess me up too much, but I have slowly and painfully experienced that I am the complete opposite. I have no emotional barriers whatsover, everything just climbs right on top of me and settles on my skin like parasites. Sadness drops on my head as a far too heavy hat, and seeps down into my scalp and poisons my brain and thoughts. Gets into my blood flow and takes over my heart. Pain and Sorrow digs its fingernails far too hard into the soft flesh of my shoulders and settles as an uncomfortable backpack I can't shake off. Luckily Love Kindness and Thoughfullness rains down over me as well, like the kind of crazy autumn rain which blows at you from all directions and even gets into your nose and behind ur glasses. So I let it wash over me, suck it up and enjoy it. I'm sorry I can't give very much back right now, I'm too tired and wrapped up in my own personal gried to ask you or you or you how you are right now, what's going on in your life (Sofia K I am thinking of you all the time, I just can't make my hand pick up the phone right now. Its too much tears every time I try talking to anyone and I dont want to cry more right now...I'll call u as soon as I feel better) and how ur week has been. It'll change, cause I hate when my moods make me egotistic and wrapped up in myself. But right I need to only think of myself and my family. Like the Bear Mama I become when I am hurt I am trying to protect our hearts and minds from succumbing into grief, and that's a too big task to have any extra energy for pretty much anything else...
At least I have dealt with and got rid of the Black Monster which is Anger. I was happily misinformed, had misunderstood and misinterpreted the situation and past last Wednesday when the anger and hurt set in. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I reacted far too quickly. I have to learn that I am back in Jakobstad, even if things I hear are not malicious rumours (this was certainly not, just a misunderstanding/misinterpretation/alcohol induced memories situation), I need to chill out and calm down and NOT react until I know the information is thoroughly true. But hey, you know me, trying to tell me to calm down and WAIT is like holding a lollipop right next to a kids tongue and telling it not to lick it. The kid WILL lick it, just as sure as I will take any information as momentary truth and react straight away. Totally out of proportion and totally without thinking before texting/shouting/screaming/fighting and crying. But I will try to learn now...
I am happy it wasn't true, cause I was seriously losing faith in (hu)man(ity), and getting ready to never trust people again. Let alone trust my own judgement of character. But now I can at least go back to 'only' being heartbroken, dumped and lonely. Funny really, how you can enjoy being single one day, and then someone comes and knocks that little wall in your heart down, and then you feel lite utter shit about being single again...Or I guess it's not being single which sucks, its wanting to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you..Oh well, what is one to do? Nothing left but picking yourself up again (yeah those human rags on the floor is you) and getting on with life.
Life by the way, except all the terrible heart and soul ache which is all coming at once, life is pretty good. I am still really happy about living in Jakobstad. I can't imagine loosing two granddads in the course of 3 weeks living in London. That would be some heartbreaking sh*t. At least now I am where I belong, with my family and roots around me. And I am so insanely happy I got to see Moffa so many times this summer, and that I saw and talked to and had coffee with Faffa last week. I would never have had that chance in London, and I would have ended up with this hollow and guilty painful grief I had when Fammo died. sadness and guilt that I wasn't there as she got sicker and sicker, sadness that I wasnt closer to my parents and could both help them and get support from them. I don't ever want to feel that feeling again!
Additionally I have started working a little now as well. Did my first week at Friends last week, three shifts, and it went really really well and I had FUN! I like being behind the bar again, and Friends is the best place I have ever worked at! I love the bosses, the regulars and the atmosphere there! It's like stepping into an old friends living room, you can just chill out, have a drink and relax in there. With the addition that there is almost always someone I know in there - which makes it feel even more like a living room! Its also really nice to have a little more routines again, and to (soon) be getting some sort of income! I am literally on zero at the moment so I need some money desperately. Plus I like being able to talk to people throughout my shift, and to sometimes be superbusy, and sometimes really chilled out and quiet. Friends suits me, and by the lovely comments I've been getting the feeling seems to be mutual, I think I suit Friends too!
This week O is eagerly awaited, and we all desperately need this little sunshine of a human being to enter our lives and family! I think she will be the most loved person in the world, with the greatest loving calmest and most sensible parents, aunties and uncles and cousins, grandparents and a greatgranny who is always quick to give hugs and kisses. She will have two silly cuddly cats to play with, and when she gets bigger she has beautiful horses right nextdoor. She will also be growing up in the most beautiful surroundings, and have a second home in Finland with just as much love and nature in. And your youngest auntie will teach you everything she can O! You just trust that! I will teach you how to spit, as your mother can't do it! I will teach you how to blow and smash chewing gum bubbles so hard they make a loud pop. Whilst your parents obviously will teach(and show) you respect, love, honesty, humanity and deacency I will help out and make you a feminist as early as I can! You can be a horseriding pirate, a ballet dancing skateboard chick, a music loving computer nerd or whatever heck you want to be, I will teach you the basics of gender (in)equality and women's history, so that you can go ahead and make those decisions of yours as wellinformed and sensibly as possibly! I don't want to lead you or teach you or make you fit into any kind of mould. I just want to present you with this fantastic gift which is our foremothers offerings, fight, blood, sweat and tears, knowledge and revolution, which you then can choose to do whatever you want to. (but if I ever see you wearing a playboy tshirt when ur twelve, or hear you want poledancing lessons when ur 8 we will have to have a SERIOUS talk my little yet unborn friend and niece! Then its no more nice auntie Anna-Karin!)
How loved an unborn person can be! It's insane really! I love my two nephews just as much obviously, but I have been away for such a long time that I unfortunately haven't had the 'chance' to see them grow up, mature and change into little people of their own (well I am seeing that with Oskar now, but after moving to London I only saw martin a few times a year, and during Oskar's first year I think I saw him about 3 times): But with Lilla O I have seen Malin's belly growing, seen all the changes, felt the kicks, felt the butterfly fluttering and the proper big kicks, heard her heart and cried big soppy Auntietears of joy and pride! I have seen her so readyu to explode into life that she hardly could fit into her mother's stomach any more. I have talked to her and stroked her soothingly and sung to her. So actually being able to see her in real life, hold her close to me and kiss her little nose will be like the biggest gift of love and serenity life could ever give! And for that i am willing and able to go through all the sadness and pain I have done, and more so! (not to say that anything which has happened is due to or related to Lilla O off course, but she helps me cope with it and accept it with a bigger grace and humanity than I have ever been able to accept misfortunes...)
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