So, my body seem to be doing exactly the same this year as it did last year in October. Which is shut down, tell me to shut the h*ll up, calm down and chill out. Which means that I am just as selfdestrectuve this year as I was last year's October. Ok, thankfully I can't drink two bottles of wine anymore, so I can't destroy my liver quite as efficiently. But I am making sure to overconsume tobacco, and give my body as little sleep as possible, as to efficiently selfdestroy from within.
Why don't I learn that my body is no machine? It's in some strange way like I would like to test how much shit my body can take before collapsing, like some sick mind over matter competition...Like I don't know that body wins over mind every time, you can't play tricks for too long on the body! So I try, poison my body, abuse it and not listen to its signals and needs. And to punish me and give me a slap on the wrist my body shuts down, and get's really bloody sick so that all I can do is stay in bed, snotty, achy, moany and poorlittleAnna'y! When will I learn?? Stupid little stubborn 5year old in me that always wants to prove that she is superior to all natural needs and signals...
One good thing about slowing down is that I am talking a lot less (well the last two days or so...or maybe its just today?) and slower, which gives my brain more space to properly form thoughts and ideas. As a result I have started writing LOTS of poetry again! Wonderful! It just started pouring out of me yesterday after Mommo gave me an article about the Arvid Mörne competition 2012 (Arvid Mörne price is an annual finnish literature price for unpublished authors under 30 years. First price is 5000 euros! and this years theme is poetry!), and surprisingly I am really happy with the 3 poems I wrote yesterday! They're both beautiful, quirky and clever. But I can't and won't show them as I want them to be special when being sent off to the competition, unshared. So I am excited. I am hoping that this inspired creativity will stay, cause I have so much emotions and stuff inside to give birth to, and it is better if it gets poured into creativity such as poetry/prose rather than selfdestructivity such as drinking far too much alcohol and trying to escape it all!
Otherwise things are...mixed really. I am trying to slowly start to take care of my body again (yes there was once upon a time when I did treat my body like, if not a temple, some sort of disused park that I didnt totally ruin at least..), which includes eating well, sleeping properly, not drinking too much, not smoking too much, doing some form of exercise (oh and yes biking and walking between the sofa and the fridge counts as exercise in my world...) etc etc. I am not promising big massive changes, I don't want to shock my body too much, but little suttle changes. And I'm going to try to force my silly little brain to follow the new regime as well! And not cave in for the first best temptation! Worse come to worse I will start wearing my homemade hand tattoo again (last October I had constantly 'SKÄRPNING!' written in giant black letters on my left hand, which means something like 'get a grip' or 'behave yourself') to force me to see the big fat letters every day and behave accordingly. Truth is only truth in my world when it is put down on paper.
Except that I just want to say a big fat thank you to all the wonderful people in my life who daily are checking in on me, texting me, emailing me, calling me, seeing me for a drink etc etc, YOU ARE ALL BLOODY WONDERFUL and I love you! Thanks for giving me both space to not talk, and space to talk when I need to. Thanks for making me smile and cry and laugh and dance and get inspired! you're all so great and I am so lucky to have you in my life. You know who you are, new and old!
Now Im gonna have some toast and another cuppa, Ave folks!
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