Another Fallen Hero - Faffa

 It's so very strange, I have so many strong emotions, and then when something too big and sad happens it's like all the emotions have just wanished. Just like that. And all you (I) are left with is a sense of tiredness, emptyness and nagging bad feeling in your stomach.

My other granddad, Faffa, has now passed away. Also he suddenly and unexpected. What is the likelihood that both your granddads pass away in the space of less than a month?... I don't want another funeral, more tears and sadness and new inscriptions on a toomb stone.

I have lots and lots of wonderful memories of Faffa, just as I have of Moffa. Faffa was often the person I stayed with when I was sick as a child and my parents had to work. After he retired as a police officer he all of a sudden became sort of my occasional nursury teacher, and I remember once when I had a cold and stayed with Faffa for the day we were playing Hide and Seek in their house, and Faffa was terribly bad at hiding. Either he was not very used to playing hide and seek, or he was too big to find any good hiding places, or he just let me find him easily so that I could run off shrieking finding a (much better) hiding place. But in my little childbrain I just thought Faffa was terribly bad at Hide and Seek and was happy to be soo much more skilled as both a hider and a seeker. In the end Faffa gave me one of Fammos little claybirds to keep with me as I hid, so that if it took too long I could blow in the whistlebird so that he would get a clue as to where I was hiding (most likely in their wickar laundry basket, the little potatocabin in the hallway or the little rummage cupboard under the stairs.

Faffa was a brilliant and well respected police officer most of his life, and I always saw him as this grandious safe keeper of law and order, which he in many ways also was. I remember going to the Spring and Autumn Market in town, as it was two of the biggest occasions in a preschool or primary school kid's life. The best thing with the markets was that Faffa was the one responsible for allocating the market spaces to all the sales men and women, which meant that as he did this every year he knew all the balloon salesmen, cottoncandy and popcorn people and kringlor sellers. Which was VERY cool as a little kid, and meant that I eagerly sought out Faffa the first thing I did when I got to the market, and then got to chose if I wanted a balloon or cottoncandy and popcorn, and then we walked together to the salesperson, and I got a free optional treat as Faffas granddaughter. I was always a little scared as the salespeople adressed me in finnish, and I never understood what they said, but Faffa was always right next to me talking in finnish for my sake, and making sure I was happy with the treat I got. Then I ran off chirpily to find my friends again, show off my balloon or share my cottoncandy, and play like the happy little kid I was.

My Faffa, being finnish speaking as he was, always had a funny tendency of saying 'Heja Heja' rather than 'Hej Hej' when he greated you, and it was something so soothing and sweet with that little 'phrase'. It was Faffa and only faffa, and whenever I hear someone cheer for something/someone (Heja Heja is what you shout during a race when you are cheering someone on, Hej Hej is like saying Hi to someone) I think of granddad. The same thing happens when I see/great people who for any reasons have lost a/ a couple/ a part of a finger, as my Faffa had about 3/4 of a finger on one hand. I remember stroking it when I was little, marvelling at how soft the fingertip was, and why the finger didn't have a nail.

I am so sad Faffa has passed away, but seeing death is something you have to accept just as you have to accept (and celebrate) new life I am at least happy that he 'got to' pass away where he felt safe and loved, in his and Fammos house, with all his and Fammos belongings around him and their routines and memories whispering in their walls. I have always loved that house, and I dream about it more than I think I dream of any other locations. 

I am sad and tired and feel wrought out, like a towel. But I am happy I am with my parents, and we are out at the cottage so I am surrounded by nature and well known surroundings. Trying to find strenght in the big and little things, my family, my friends, the sunshine, creativity.....But man it is hard to be strong sometimes, I feel like the littlelest skrot today, tired and crying and I just want to sleep in a warm cosy place with someone stroking my hair for comfort.

Thanks Jesslove for your call, I so needed to cry out with your soothing mature and intelligent voice on the other end of the line. You are so sensible and smart and wonderful and I love you to bits! All you others, I love you just as much! And thanks for always being there for me, in sad and happy times.

No I am gonna get some actual sleep, or crash out in front of the tellie and switch my brain off momentarily..