Presenting my Cubs - Love, Honesty & Heart

Woke up with heartache at 4.00AM, not very pleasant. Had a cry and a good talk with Rosita, which pepped me massively. Gave up trying to chase sleep then and slowly woke up to the world (before the sun had gone up). Listened to Eva Dahlgren, read the paper, had a cup of tea and tidied my room.

Organised my dress wardrobe which made me momentarily happy. Very happy. New wardrobe order is; tops, floaty tops, going out dresses, summer dresses, all year everyday dresses, autumn dresses, winter dresses and then odd second hand dressing up dresses. It felt good. Organising my dresses harmonises me!

 With a morning this beautiful it is hard to be only heartbroken. Love to life and nature mixes in the concoction

 warmest wintercoat on, cold morning!

Spent the morning doing a little of this and that, got provoked by a stupid column in the paper, and happy about a good column, and feel I need to reply to both. So the entire Debate page is now underlined in orange and pink pen, plus comments and angry remarks (organge for 'shit points' and pink for 'good points', and one of the remarks are 'stupid!'). So I will get cracking on that tonight. Really need to start writing new (good) columns as I am poor as a church rat at the moment. (although today I got shopping for free, Heidis friend Marcela came around with three full bags of stuff she wanted to get rid of, so I got loads of stuff for Lilla O, and for me I got an awesome anorach, and some lovely duvetcovers and pillowcases - awesomesauce!)

Then Heidi & Kevin came to pick me up in das automobil, and we went shopping and then off to Heidis. I cooked some quick but tasty lunch whilst Heidi was nighting Kevin, and we then had a nice little romantic lunch for two, niceness! And now we are knitting together like two old ladies. Knitting is such a good hobby! Relaxing, sociable and practical, you get new stuff as a result! me like!

Heidi's...third? bowl of food! good compliment to the chef!(:

Keeping busy is good, but I still keep having annoying monolouges and discussions in my head as soon as I am alone, which is very very tiring. Sometimes it annoys me a lot that I can't switch this brain of mine off! I need to do more yoga again so I can get some peace and quiet in my mind, or go to the island. Depending on if I'll work at all this week I will get myself out to the cottage at least one day and night, and I can't wait to go to Nykarleby to see Sandralove as well! Gonna be a day, night full of creativity and love! Beautiful! We'll see which day I can go..That's the kind of things I need right now; the nature, familiar surroundings, creativity, doing stuff with my hands (which at least momentarily relaxes my brain...)

It's the sudden sadness and feeling of emptyness that is so surprising and breathtakingly painful. Kind of like a concrete flattener has driven right over my heart. A couple of times. And yes, I know it will get better, like an open cut goes from a bleeding gash to a dry gash to a scab (that I can't help scratching) to a scar to finally new pink skin which although being sensitive and fragile is also elastic and strong. But it all has it's stages, prolonged or progressed depending on the care of the cut. Sometimes I prolong it by constantly picking at the scab, letting new red blood flow through, and sometimes I progress it by using savlon and letting the healing process have it's own way... But man it is hard not to pick at fresh scabs!!

So currently at open gash stage, combined with Hurt BearMother stage. I am like a proper Female Mama Bear when I get hurt, I get red raging angry and can do anything to hurt anyone who hurt my cubs. My cubs are Love, Honesty and Heart. I used to have a forth cub called Pride, but I disowned her as I realised pride is futile, a silly little thing which stops you from being able to laugh at yourself. But Love, Honesty and Heart are my most precious cubs, and hurt them and whole hell might very likely break loose. I do not take any responsibility for the consequences. This time I have finally realised and decided not to aim the anger inwards and towards myself, as I am stronger and more intelligent than that. Cause this time I don't have a f*cking thing to do with this f*ck up. I can't change anything or make anything undone, cause I have not pretended or lied a single second. But where the hell do I now aim my anger?????

Suggestions are much appriciated, Aeroboxing? trying to find and beat up rapists and woman beaters (that is my favourite)? Take up actual kickboxing and get to beat the hell out of a few big muscly men fantasising that they are every weak shitscared man who have hurt me in my life (another favorite)? Go out into the forest and just scream my lungs out (my throat hurts alredy so ot to great...)? Behave like a child and sulk and be nasty (not my cup of cake...its too boring). I don't bloody know...