yeah yeah, the concept of Anger is the theme of the day - Deal with it!

My general black and red mood of the day has made me think about anger as a concept, everything which is created and blossoms out of anger.

I have always liked angry things really...

I've always been a sucker for big strong metallic vessels of any kind that has the ability to destroy (massive ships, concrete mixertrucks, trucks of all kinds, tarmac flatteners, big missile planes [not what they do, only how they look]), but also on the same time has the ability/potential to create new things and improve the world - bring safety, new infrastructure, safer roads, quicker ways to travel to your loved ones.

Anger is in so many ways constructive, where else would all the revolutions, big societal changes and eruptions come from? I highly doubt that women would have been given the right to vote when they did if they would have stayed at home, happily and quietly knitting along and humming a sexist tune. And would the church have admit that Women actually maybe just about have a soul? Highly doubtful.... (So thank you Sisters, Foremothers and also brave men who refused to swallow the gender stereotypes, norms and shit any longer!) Nor do I think todays South Africa, America... would be what it is without the Black Movement, the anger and hurt and humiliation made that revolution and movement as strong as it was/is. Us nonstraights would probably still be illegal, insane, sick and just god damn despicable if it wouldn't have been for all the brave Women, Men and Inbetweens who said 'Enough is enough!', went out to march, to build their own rainbow families, to shout, to become politicians (thank you Harvey Milk), to become Mothers and Fathers of happy tolerant kids, become singers, authors, artists - Who all had one ambition: Change the world or create a new one which is more tolerant, loving, understanding, simply a better place to live in.

PUNK - has likewise had a massive big throbbing place in my heart. It was the thing which saved me when I was about 13 and a poor little lost gangly girl who never got asked to dance (cause she was taller than alll the boys, and not as pretty and blond as the pretty girls). I was so close to chosing something destructive, like anorexia (yes I believe you chose it, Im sorry if I offend anyone), selfhurt or trying to fit in to a structure created by society which would have meant that I would have starved myself, shaved every corner and centimeter of my body, dressed in too uncomfortable shoes and clothes, probably sprained my ankles in too high shoes, killed my hair with peroxide and ammoniak, done stupid stuff with boys that I wasnt ready or really wanting to do, started drinking and smoking and doing drugs to try to be cool. Cause that is considered NORMAL teenage behaviour, and it makes me SOOOOO ANGRY!!!!

Instead I chose to become a feminist, a vegetarian, everyday activist and punk at heart. I was able to channel so much through punk music and punk culture- anger at society, gender norms, teenage longings and teenage cravings and teenage expectations, anger at not being 'part', not fitting in. Expectations expectations expectations, from everyone, teachers, society, my own gender, the other gender. Always being the other, the other, the other. Never being IT. But taking the right and duty to be IT. To be an Subject rather than the constant female object.

To me dressing in black, leather (ok I dont do that as Im veggie, but vegan 'leather' and demin works just as well), safety pins, big f*cking boots, angry slogans is Subjectifying yourself. Saying to yourself, others and the world at large; Big finger up to YOU! I define myself, look at me, Im so odd you can't even try to think I'm normal and that I fit in. Cause I CHOSE to not do so. I chose to not swallow the shit you're feeding me, the stereotypes, the gender norms, the age norms and expectations. You will look at me and shake your head, but not because you are objectifying me, but because I force you to look at me, I am both subjectifying and objectifying myself at the same time. ON MY TERMS!

So, the anger is a strenght, a driving force and a friend. It makes me aim all the hurt, sadness, sorrow and feelings of inadequacy outwards and at the world rather than inwards. I have a terrrible tendency (as a 'proper' vata) to meet all challanges with the thought 'what did I do wrong?'. Never, 'how did this person/the world/the society/this ideology hurt me, and Why?', or 'how come people/stuff hurt me/want to hurt me?'. So I channel inwards, become selfdestructive, punish my stupid inferior body by not sleeping enough, drinking too much etc etc etc, INSTEAD of actually looking at the pain, where it's coming from and why I allow it to happen. time after time.

Therapy is probably the best and most sane choice I have ever done in my life. And it was mine, sprung out of my own need to heal myself and love myself. I would warmly recommend it to EVERYONE, no matter how sane or harmonious you feel. It is such an eye opener, makes you develop so much as a person and human being, and make you realise what is important and how you work as a person. Obviously this only works if you have the right therapist for you,and the right form of therapy. Luckily at my first go I found jackpot on both aspects. My therapist and I just klicked, and also the fact that I had to do all the work! No diagnosing, no home assignments - I just 'had' to talk (well I could have been quiet, but I bloody well paid 50 euro for an hour so I was going to get my moneys worth, economic as I am) and talk and talk to this person who knew nothing of me, my history or my background.

Having to rationalise every single little thing you say, and explain them to a stranger so that they will understand, will give you the biggest mindblows if you are just open to it! I often left feeling totally wrenched after an hour, cause I had had too many aha experiences for one hour. It's like you would have lived in a daze all your life, and all of a sudden you start realising what is you, how you tick and why you act and don't act the way you do. It is mindblowing but exhausting! The biggest realisation I have had lies in my own very well trained selfdestructivity, how I have fed and fuelled it at least all my teenage and adult life. Not always very visibly, but sometimes very visibly. That it has taken form in a crippling perfectionism, extremely high self expectations, manipulation of the body in form of sleep depravation, food deprevation, excessive poison (alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sugar etc etc...).

And realising that has given me the power to admit my problems, my weaknesses, and moving on to accepting responsibility and potential to change them. Cause only when you are aware of your problems can you change them. You can go on and blame the world, your upbrining, your parents, your teachers, your society etc etc - BUT ONLY WHEN YOU ACCEPT THAT ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE YOU will you be able to actually get some changes made - become kinder to yourself, and stop chosing things in your life which makes you unhappy.

That said I am in no way claiming I am a finished project. Oh far from my friend. I will be working on myself for the rest of my life.Not to become perfect, but to become the kindest and wisest version of myself, a person who accepts and loves themself - and thus can accept and love others. And some days its easier, Im nice to myself and chose not to allow crap, and some days I am worse (especially when I am sad) and aim all the shit things that happen/has happened inwards and allow them to mean that I am a lousy horrible person who is not worth anything good in life, especially not love.

All this makes me a god damn difficult person to deal with and get close to. I either give too much, try to love the world so much I become a boa constricter (or whatever....) and end up suffocating the living breath out of everything- or I don't share at all, not letting anyone come past my pansar walls, not even to peer through a window. I know that I can be super super kind and lovely to be around, but I can also be living hell. But then again, I have so many wonderful friends who stick by me in wet and dry and storm and ebb - so I chose to believe that I am becoming a more developed version of me as the years pass, and that I have more positives than negatives in my personality to make hanging out with me (and hanging on to the hurricane pace I extract) wothwile. Or they're just amazingly strong and put up with a lot of crap.

That said I reckon that maybe by 80 or so I will be selfdeveloped enough to meet someone who I will be able to let in fully into my life, and who won't be scared shitless by my enormous extremes, my need for constant attention, approval, closeness and love, my close to nonexistent need of personal space or personal time and so on... Damn I'm lucky to have my human and animal friends, Punk and Rrrriot until then!