Rebel girl, rebel girl, rebel girl you are the queen of my world

I love surrounding myself with items, text and music which peps me when things feel shit. As they do every now and then.

I used to have a 'positivity wall' over my desk when I lived in Bethnal Green, a series of qoutes which I used to read when I felt beaten by life, work, my studies, patriarchy, narrowmindedness or things in my private life. In order to read and contemplate these quotes, and to feel that I am part of something bigger, something more important than just the pettyness of everyday life. The dissapointments, the lost chances, the stuff you didn't dare to do, the things you dared to do but didn't succeed in, the things people said, the things people didn't say, the things you didn't say...

When I moved to Finland I pretty much threw out half of my belongings. I was sick of stuff, sick of feeling chained to a situation and place due to material belongings, so I got rid of my books (I kept about 9 books out of probably a houndred or so). I left almost all my cd's and dvd's at my ex's place. I gave away, threw out and brought a big part of my wardrobe to charity shops. I looked through, and then threw out my 10 full plastic bags of university notes (I regret that one). I gave away things. I left a beloved painting cause I couldn't deal with figuring out how I would get it back to Finland. But I brought my positivity wall quotes with me to Finland. They are now stuck to every door frame of my house, and some in my bedroom. So that I can see them now and then, when I'm in the toilet, when I'm leaving the house, when I wake up in the morning. And even though they are only a few letters on small pieces of paper they give me strength. Courage. Will to struggle and fight. And there's a lot to fight for.

Now I have a new positivity wall, a bunch of wonderful postcards I bought from the Oxfam bookshop in London. A new home, a new wall. New quotes.

The above is one of my new favourites, cause it reminds me that nothing ever come to people who wait. You need to be proactive and DO things for things to change. Both in your personal life, and in society at large. And we need people who dare stand up for their wiews. Who dare to be awkward, loud and adament in the hopes for change. We need people who dare to be disobedient. Who refuse to just be nice and shut up. But shout shout shout- until they are listened to.

I admire you strong and relentless sisters and brothers who fight for the rights of humanity (and animals), for a better tomorrow. People who live their lives according to their convictions- convictions of equal human value, fairness, openness, respect and solidarity. Your strenght and productive anger settles in my soul and belly like a warm and strenghtening fire.

So after a day of hiding inside I'll emerge into the world again tomorrow (assuming I can dig myself out of my house due to the snow), strenghtened by the thoughts of all the good things in life, and all the things worth fighting for.

Over and Out, Peace and Big Shout

Sometimes...

...I am happy I have no idea how to get a gun. I know there are a lot of guns in Finland, and that getting hold of one would probably not be very hard (we actually even have an air rifle at the cottage), but I am happy I don't live in a country where owning a gun is totally acceptable and normal.

Because life is so god damn fragile, and guns create criminals out of scared, insecure and angry people. I am not trying to say that there aren't people who just want to kill, there are probably plenty - but I also know that most crime is opportunistic, and that if murder weapons would not be available at certain times there would be no murder. Killings and murder would not end just because guns would dissapear (people who want to kill/hurt are very inventive), but reducing something which far to easily ends lives can't be a bad thing?

I love Rihanna's song Man Down, and I love the video. People who say that the video is raw and glorify violence is sick in the head (pardon my french, but it's true). It does exactly the opposite. Watch the video again, look for all the little details, and try to imagine what she is trying to say with both the video and the song.

I think it is an absolutely brilliant and painfully accurate political statement, which touches on both gender politics, crime, guns, sexual violence and poverty. I don't know if that is what Rihanna would say, but hey the listener is always right.

Because the reality is just this raw, in EVERY country. Fact is women always negotiate their sexuality in a (more or less) sexist, male-defined and male-biased space. Regarless if we are talking the private or public sphere. Fact is women are raped, abused, sexually harassed, stalked and verbally harassed everywhere, every day, every fucking second of every fucking day.

And no, not every man does this, and not every woman is raped. But statistically most (I would even say all, but let's say most as that I have statistical 'proof' for) women experience sexual harassment/sexual violence at some point in their life. It might be having a stranger grope you at the bar, having someone follow you in the street with the intention of making you feel insecure/scared/threatened, or being raped. Or being hit by a partner, or expartner. Or one of the various other acts (some) men use to intimidate, ridicule or hurt women.

And I am fucking fed up with this. I am angry as F*CK! Knowing the facts and statistics and reality (because yes I am a women and things like this happen to me, and yes most my friends are female and they experience it too...) makes me sometimes hate everything which is male. Which I know is not rational, because pretty much every man in my life does NOT do things like this. Or at least every single man which I consider a friend, and my male relatives. BUT having a feminist awareness also makes me allergic to everything which is sexist, even when it is in a 'joking' sense, and this creates confrontations and difficult situations sometimes.

And yes I know, I am part of this fucked up gender system as well, which makes the whole issue a lot harder. Because however feminist I try to be in my everyday life, I am still socialised into this unequal system, which colours also my actions, sexuality and life. I am just as imperfect as most people. I try not to use sexist language, but hey I do sometimes. I try not t generalise from a gendered perspective. I try to see people as individuals and not necessarily men and women. But MAN (here we go, sexist language...) is it hard!

If only the world could bloody help a little, and make it a little bit easier to live a nonsexist life. If only people woould be a little more gender aware. If politicians would be a little more interested in changing sexist laws, structures and institutions. If only EVERYONE would try (at least try) to treat human beings as individuals, and not women and men. If only HUMAN VALUE, OPENNESS and RESPECT would guide people's actions and interactions.

If it would actually be acceptable and accepted that women have a sexuality which is selfdefined and independent. I mean TRULY accepted. A world where every woman is free to define her own sexuality, sense of dress and behaviour - WITHOUT being considered/called a slut, prude or dyke. UNLESS of course if she decides herself that she wants to be called any of the above.

If a dress would always be a dress is a dress is a dress, not a 'come here and rape/touch/insult me' sign. Just as a no would be a no would be a no would be a NO ALWAYS, regardless of how many alcoholic drinks you or another person has had. Regardless of how short the above mentioned dress is. REGARLESS if you have had a pervious sexual history. Even regardless if you have been saying yes yes yes and then all of a sudden decides no.

If a woman could kiss another woman, or dance with another woman, maybe just because she wants to - without some bloke thinking she is doing it to turn HIM on. And maybe she's not a lesbian, or even bisexual, maybe she's just having fun and experimenting with her friends, it doesn't matter WHY she does it, but she does it for some or other reason, because she can, because she wants to.

But in a world where everything centres around male pleasure there is virtually no space for women to enjoy their sexuality independently and without men. Because it threatens the whole gender order. Women enjoying themselves and other women, independently of men is sooooo god damn scary cause it indicates that women can do things on their own, that they're not dependent on men and that they can think further than the sexist system would like them to do. Why else would 'dyke' be such a useful negative label? Because calling someone a 'dyke' indicates that they are not feminine, that they have transgressed what is ok and acceptable for women to do. Or transgressed the 'rules' of how women should dress and/or look.

So, summa summarum, I will keep gender bending until I am treated exactly the same way when I am dressed in my granddad's size XXL lumberjack shirt as when I am dressed in a push up bra and short skirt. And I will continue to get angry. And I will continue not to shave my legs but shave my armpits. And I will keep telling people off when they say sexist things. And I might get up on my high horse every now and then and be a bit obnoxious and a bit too irritable and polemic, but hey I wouldn't be me any other way.

And I hope, just hope, that living my life the way I live, saying what I say, writing what I write and thinking what I think makes someone think twice, makes someone consider something they just said, and maybe say it differently the next time. THAT would mean the world to me.

You can't change the world alone - but you can plant little seeds of awareness, openness and respect in people's heads - and THAT can change the world

I know you've never really listened to a woman.....

Oh - you think it's all about you? Well, what can I say? If you think it is about you there is probably a reason for it. Either A.) it is really about you or B.) yes, do I need to say more? You think a song named 'Narcissus' is personally selected by lil'old me to post on my blog, with you in my mind, just to piss you off?

That says more about you than me doesn't it? Maybe a tiny bit of a big headed ego thing going on there Mr? And no need asking me about it, cause I'll refuse to admit who it's really about anyway.

Space for evil laughter. Sometimes messing with people's heads is underestimated. Sometimes it is healthy cause it makes people think outside their gooddamnlittle shoebox of mind.

And as long as we think we are.




It's all in your mind anyway so do whatever hell you like with it.




Kind and loving regards,

Anna-Karin previously hippie, today militant antitant

Study in Angry Lips - pink tulips and black&white (pepper&salt)

Me and Clint Eastwood have definately got one thing in common; we have both understood the point of growling when angry with the world, it is very rewarding and healthy!

This is my inspiration and hero:

Also, I will let you in on a secret; I have not smoked in....about....14 hours! (that is off course why I am up stupid o'clock after only about two hours of sleep.. my poor nicotine deprived body is upset as hell - but I am ignoring the craving so far at least! good work girl! Clint would be proud!)

yeah yeah, the concept of Anger is the theme of the day - Deal with it!

My general black and red mood of the day has made me think about anger as a concept, everything which is created and blossoms out of anger.

I have always liked angry things really...

I've always been a sucker for big strong metallic vessels of any kind that has the ability to destroy (massive ships, concrete mixertrucks, trucks of all kinds, tarmac flatteners, big missile planes [not what they do, only how they look]), but also on the same time has the ability/potential to create new things and improve the world - bring safety, new infrastructure, safer roads, quicker ways to travel to your loved ones.

Anger is in so many ways constructive, where else would all the revolutions, big societal changes and eruptions come from? I highly doubt that women would have been given the right to vote when they did if they would have stayed at home, happily and quietly knitting along and humming a sexist tune. And would the church have admit that Women actually maybe just about have a soul? Highly doubtful.... (So thank you Sisters, Foremothers and also brave men who refused to swallow the gender stereotypes, norms and shit any longer!) Nor do I think todays South Africa, America... would be what it is without the Black Movement, the anger and hurt and humiliation made that revolution and movement as strong as it was/is. Us nonstraights would probably still be illegal, insane, sick and just god damn despicable if it wouldn't have been for all the brave Women, Men and Inbetweens who said 'Enough is enough!', went out to march, to build their own rainbow families, to shout, to become politicians (thank you Harvey Milk), to become Mothers and Fathers of happy tolerant kids, become singers, authors, artists - Who all had one ambition: Change the world or create a new one which is more tolerant, loving, understanding, simply a better place to live in.

PUNK - has likewise had a massive big throbbing place in my heart. It was the thing which saved me when I was about 13 and a poor little lost gangly girl who never got asked to dance (cause she was taller than alll the boys, and not as pretty and blond as the pretty girls). I was so close to chosing something destructive, like anorexia (yes I believe you chose it, Im sorry if I offend anyone), selfhurt or trying to fit in to a structure created by society which would have meant that I would have starved myself, shaved every corner and centimeter of my body, dressed in too uncomfortable shoes and clothes, probably sprained my ankles in too high shoes, killed my hair with peroxide and ammoniak, done stupid stuff with boys that I wasnt ready or really wanting to do, started drinking and smoking and doing drugs to try to be cool. Cause that is considered NORMAL teenage behaviour, and it makes me SOOOOO ANGRY!!!!

Instead I chose to become a feminist, a vegetarian, everyday activist and punk at heart. I was able to channel so much through punk music and punk culture- anger at society, gender norms, teenage longings and teenage cravings and teenage expectations, anger at not being 'part', not fitting in. Expectations expectations expectations, from everyone, teachers, society, my own gender, the other gender. Always being the other, the other, the other. Never being IT. But taking the right and duty to be IT. To be an Subject rather than the constant female object.

To me dressing in black, leather (ok I dont do that as Im veggie, but vegan 'leather' and demin works just as well), safety pins, big f*cking boots, angry slogans is Subjectifying yourself. Saying to yourself, others and the world at large; Big finger up to YOU! I define myself, look at me, Im so odd you can't even try to think I'm normal and that I fit in. Cause I CHOSE to not do so. I chose to not swallow the shit you're feeding me, the stereotypes, the gender norms, the age norms and expectations. You will look at me and shake your head, but not because you are objectifying me, but because I force you to look at me, I am both subjectifying and objectifying myself at the same time. ON MY TERMS!

So, the anger is a strenght, a driving force and a friend. It makes me aim all the hurt, sadness, sorrow and feelings of inadequacy outwards and at the world rather than inwards. I have a terrrible tendency (as a 'proper' vata) to meet all challanges with the thought 'what did I do wrong?'. Never, 'how did this person/the world/the society/this ideology hurt me, and Why?', or 'how come people/stuff hurt me/want to hurt me?'. So I channel inwards, become selfdestructive, punish my stupid inferior body by not sleeping enough, drinking too much etc etc etc, INSTEAD of actually looking at the pain, where it's coming from and why I allow it to happen. time after time.

Therapy is probably the best and most sane choice I have ever done in my life. And it was mine, sprung out of my own need to heal myself and love myself. I would warmly recommend it to EVERYONE, no matter how sane or harmonious you feel. It is such an eye opener, makes you develop so much as a person and human being, and make you realise what is important and how you work as a person. Obviously this only works if you have the right therapist for you,and the right form of therapy. Luckily at my first go I found jackpot on both aspects. My therapist and I just klicked, and also the fact that I had to do all the work! No diagnosing, no home assignments - I just 'had' to talk (well I could have been quiet, but I bloody well paid 50 euro for an hour so I was going to get my moneys worth, economic as I am) and talk and talk to this person who knew nothing of me, my history or my background.

Having to rationalise every single little thing you say, and explain them to a stranger so that they will understand, will give you the biggest mindblows if you are just open to it! I often left feeling totally wrenched after an hour, cause I had had too many aha experiences for one hour. It's like you would have lived in a daze all your life, and all of a sudden you start realising what is you, how you tick and why you act and don't act the way you do. It is mindblowing but exhausting! The biggest realisation I have had lies in my own very well trained selfdestructivity, how I have fed and fuelled it at least all my teenage and adult life. Not always very visibly, but sometimes very visibly. That it has taken form in a crippling perfectionism, extremely high self expectations, manipulation of the body in form of sleep depravation, food deprevation, excessive poison (alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sugar etc etc...).

And realising that has given me the power to admit my problems, my weaknesses, and moving on to accepting responsibility and potential to change them. Cause only when you are aware of your problems can you change them. You can go on and blame the world, your upbrining, your parents, your teachers, your society etc etc - BUT ONLY WHEN YOU ACCEPT THAT ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE YOU will you be able to actually get some changes made - become kinder to yourself, and stop chosing things in your life which makes you unhappy.

That said I am in no way claiming I am a finished project. Oh far from my friend. I will be working on myself for the rest of my life.Not to become perfect, but to become the kindest and wisest version of myself, a person who accepts and loves themself - and thus can accept and love others. And some days its easier, Im nice to myself and chose not to allow crap, and some days I am worse (especially when I am sad) and aim all the shit things that happen/has happened inwards and allow them to mean that I am a lousy horrible person who is not worth anything good in life, especially not love.

All this makes me a god damn difficult person to deal with and get close to. I either give too much, try to love the world so much I become a boa constricter (or whatever....) and end up suffocating the living breath out of everything- or I don't share at all, not letting anyone come past my pansar walls, not even to peer through a window. I know that I can be super super kind and lovely to be around, but I can also be living hell. But then again, I have so many wonderful friends who stick by me in wet and dry and storm and ebb - so I chose to believe that I am becoming a more developed version of me as the years pass, and that I have more positives than negatives in my personality to make hanging out with me (and hanging on to the hurricane pace I extract) wothwile. Or they're just amazingly strong and put up with a lot of crap.

That said I reckon that maybe by 80 or so I will be selfdeveloped enough to meet someone who I will be able to let in fully into my life, and who won't be scared shitless by my enormous extremes, my need for constant attention, approval, closeness and love, my close to nonexistent need of personal space or personal time and so on... Damn I'm lucky to have my human and animal friends, Punk and Rrrriot until then!

2 things just made me happy(er)

1. I realised that I can listen to angry music on my stereo through my headphones - thus not waking up the entire house with angry, ugly, punky or screamy polemic music

2. I realised that I will be able to listen to angry music with HIGH volume in my new home at nights, CAUSE I HAVE NO NEIGHBOURS!!!!!! Wooop F*CKING woooooop!

Tea bags, laptop chargers and middlefat middleaged, middleheterosexual, verywhite, rightwing politicians....

I woke up at 6AM today- feeling angry. Really angry. Almost red raging mad straight from the morning. Kinda confusing at first, tried to just stay in bed for a while figuring out why I had this red bubbling rage in my body. So I got angry at waking up at 6, even though I even took some leftover (from my nonsleeping days) herbal sleep medication before going to bed last night.....God damn body and its bone hard instincts. No wonder I have been walking around all my life trying to ignore and manipulat my body, because it's SO damn hard to manipulate! It has an iron will of its own, and trying to work against my instincts is a life project.

Going back to sleep angry is never an easy thing, so I gave up and decided to get up instead, which was possibly an even worse idea - so much in the external world to be angry at! stupid tea bag string got all tassled, it was cold and horrible in the flat, there were people there trying to communicate with me - which meant that I couldn't swear freely and air my anger. Then the tea which I had picked without thinking about it (at least consciously) was of course called 'Happy Mood' tea, which made me REALLY angry! Now even my TEA is telling me to chirpen up! SHUT UP STUPID TEA BAG!!

A calming cigarette became a fuming making me even more mad cigarette, and the balcony door was a bitch to close. The wind was cold and my ass got cold sitting on the balcony chair. Oh and yes, the god damn charger chord for the laptop was of course ridiculously hard to get into the plug socket, leading to me having to crawl under my bed to plug it in. I got dust on my top and my hoodie got stuck on the underside of the bed...

AND IT'S NOT EVEN 8.00AM YET!!!!!!!!!!!! F*ck!

I am such a recycler and horder of emotions, I feel them, intensly but often for quite a short time, and then I put them away. Stashed away somewhere in my body or psyche they lie and saturate, and then it just needs something, something tiny tiny sometimes, for them to pop up again! And it's like they always pop up with invigorated strength, like marinading inside me makes them grow stronger, juicier and spicier. Right now this anger is so well marinated it can almost walk with its own strenth to the barbaque, lie itself down and spitroast for a few hours.

There's so much to BE angry about really, the state of the world, the economy, the stupid (not all) politicians, the stupid (most) world leaders (almost all bloody middle aged, white, heterosexual, middle class, middle fat and middle or very right wing), homophobia, racism, ageism, sexism, the idea that we should use tax money for wars and corruption rather than education, the health system and our weakest society members, bigoted and old fashioned laws, the law system pretty much in its entirity - being old fashioned, sexist and homophobic, stupid religious people (not all, but the ones that carry these traits) telling me I would be a lot better/happier/holier if I only believed in THEIR god, stupid Atheists (again; some!)  being so far up their own scientific arrogant asses they can't even listen to other sane/my arguments, every person who has lied to me, cheated me, led me on, purpousfully hurt me.... I can go on forever and ever and ever, cause I am THAT angry today!

If I was clever I would channel this anger (again) to something constructive, write some ranty columns (it went well last time I did, I got published!), do another collage type picture, write some angry politic polemic poetry! (Polemic poetry is by the way my new favourite-but that's besides the angry point so I'll ignore that for now).
[A polemic is a variety of arguments or controversies made against one opinion, doctrine, or person. Other variations of argument are debate and discussion. The word is derived from the Greek polemikos (πολεμικός), meaning "warlike, hostile". (Wikipedia- FTW)]

But then again, who ever said I was clever. Intelligent, yes, but clever? Very much not! I am constantly doing exactly the opposite of what would be good for me, doing things I know will make things worse, harder and more painful in the long run.. So not clever at all.

However, I might either isolate myself in the flat forcing myself to write some intelligent stuff out of this anger, or I will venture into town trying to barricade myself at After 8 with headphones, angry music and thus trying to make myself write...we will see. The pro AND con with the second suggestion is that it involves people. Those annoying, ugly, coughing, sniffling, loud, abnoxious beings that are called my fellow human beings. Yuk! What I really need today is a whole yard full of puppies, THAT and only that would make my anger melt away into sunshine and buttercups. Or a field full of friendly cows that I could stroke. Or a cat purring. Or a lil white rabbit happily bouncing around. Or Maija Maija Maija sunshine human being! I definately need to get more animals into my life...