Cows - A Love Story

I have been very very inactive in the world of cyber recently - as some of you (one or two tops I reckon...) who actually read my blog will have noticed..All is well, there is no more serious or urgent reason than me being sligtly sick and tired of the internet, and it's mushroomlike littlesisters Blogs and Facebook. Being sick of the internet is not a great thing for a blogger - I admit. But I also believe in not blogging when you don't feel like it - cause the entries will be boring, stupid or just pointless. Or at least mine would have been. So in a nice way I have spared you from reading shit. You should all be thankful.

Had some tought things going on, and some wonderful things! Mostly wonderful actually, which is just amazing!

Faffa's funeral was last thursday, on a cold but amazingly sunny day (the sun was actually warm for the first time in a few weeks at least). It was tough. I left translating and transcribing the speach until the last minute, cause every time I tried started I just started crying. It felt unfair to faffa that I had no more capacity or strengtg or want for more sorrow in my life. I know faffa wouldn't WANT us to cry and moan and be sad, he was such a chirpy man until the very end, but then again sorrow and grief feels like the 'natural' states to be in when someone has passed.

So I was pushing away sorrow and tears - trying to escape them (once again) in frantic activity - not sleeping enough, drinking too much coffee, smoking too many cigrettes, starting too many projects but hardly finishing any of them. And then the house, I was so happy about getting and signing the rental agreement for my Sunshine House -but every time I started getting happy and giddy thughts of faffa popped up, or more correctly; thoughts about that I SHOULD be sad. Sadness is such a complex things, people grieve in so many different ways...Apparently (and not very constructively) I grieve by pushing grief away - refuse to cry the tears of sorrow until they wash over me until the point of almost no return.

That point came during the funeral, and I thought I would never stop crying. Just thinking about it makes me cry again. It was a beautiful funeral, but all I could do was try to breathe calmly, look at the sun shining through the masive windows, and try to control the tears which washed through my body like a Tsunami.

As the Tsunami came- it also passed, but leaving me superweak and emotional. So I have been in that state all last week really, weak, tired to the point that I fell asleep in the oddest places (not even going to tell you were), with stinging eyes, a cough and sniffle, and a body ache which felt paralysing come friday. I was literally unable to hold the phone to my ear on friday, cause my arm and shoulder was aching so much.

So, I took a well needed holiday - to the very exotic location of Nykarleby. A flight into sisterhood, creativity, laughter and pyssel. And damn it was good. Warmth, harmony, love to humanity, peace and well needed rest made me feel like a human being again, and I woke up this morning feeling fresh and happy.

I am glad people in my proximity undertand that everyone's grief is different. It can be respectfully calm and teary and quiet -but it can also be full of life and laughter and joy. It's the only way I can deal with all this hat has been thrust on me the last two months; loosing both my granddads, re-dealing with the loss of my grandmom two years ago, hearbreak, sorrows and a genral feeling of being....I don't know, slightly lost on the big stormy ocean? without a buoy or someone to hold on to?

BUT, more than that has happened, since LILLA O has finally been born!!! After long hard labour by my tigerstrong Big Sister she had to be helped out on Tuesday 01.11.2011! At 1.01 PM! (not kidding you, that girl is born to be a number one!). She is no longer just Lilla O, but she is Maija. The most beatiful trollchild my eye has ever seen... No I will correct myself; joint first place with Oskar & Martin, the three Stars in my life!

Maija has brought so much joy and laughter and smiles and coo's into my life again, I just have to see a picture of her and I get all goo'y inside, and warm and happy and proud and filled with love and carbonated blood! She is such a little cutemonster, and I can't wait until I can give those little sweet apricot like cheeks a peck - or stroking that beautiful square face of hers.

So, overall things are...pretty good. I would even say very good. My mood is rollercoastery as is usual, but mostly pretty sunny. AND I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE INTO MY HOUSE IN TWO WEEKS TIME!!

Oh, and about the blog title- I do love cows! so damn much! And all I want for christmas or moving in present is this book (it can be bought from the internet, or from Allkristliga bokhandeln in jakobstad - I know I know, I only went in cause I saw the book in the window!)

HASTA LA VISTA BABIES!