I woke up at 6AM today- feeling angry. Really angry. Almost red raging mad straight from the morning. Kinda confusing at first, tried to just stay in bed for a while figuring out why I had this red bubbling rage in my body. So I got angry at waking up at 6, even though I even took some leftover (from my nonsleeping days) herbal sleep medication before going to bed last night.....God damn body and its bone hard instincts. No wonder I have been walking around all my life trying to ignore and manipulat my body, because it's SO damn hard to manipulate! It has an iron will of its own, and trying to work against my instincts is a life project.
Going back to sleep angry is never an easy thing, so I gave up and decided to get up instead, which was possibly an even worse idea - so much in the external world to be angry at! stupid tea bag string got all tassled, it was cold and horrible in the flat, there were people there trying to communicate with me - which meant that I couldn't swear freely and air my anger. Then the tea which I had picked without thinking about it (at least consciously) was of course called 'Happy Mood' tea, which made me REALLY angry! Now even my TEA is telling me to chirpen up! SHUT UP STUPID TEA BAG!!
A calming cigarette became a fuming making me even more mad cigarette, and the balcony door was a bitch to close. The wind was cold and my ass got cold sitting on the balcony chair. Oh and yes, the god damn charger chord for the laptop was of course ridiculously hard to get into the plug socket, leading to me having to crawl under my bed to plug it in. I got dust on my top and my hoodie got stuck on the underside of the bed...
AND IT'S NOT EVEN 8.00AM YET!!!!!!!!!!!! F*ck!
I am such a recycler and horder of emotions, I feel them, intensly but often for quite a short time, and then I put them away. Stashed away somewhere in my body or psyche they lie and saturate, and then it just needs something, something tiny tiny sometimes, for them to pop up again! And it's like they always pop up with invigorated strength, like marinading inside me makes them grow stronger, juicier and spicier. Right now this anger is so well marinated it can almost walk with its own strenth to the barbaque, lie itself down and spitroast for a few hours.
There's so much to BE angry about really, the state of the world, the economy, the stupid (not all) politicians, the stupid (most) world leaders (almost all bloody middle aged, white, heterosexual, middle class, middle fat and middle or very right wing), homophobia, racism, ageism, sexism, the idea that we should use tax money for wars and corruption rather than education, the health system and our weakest society members, bigoted and old fashioned laws, the law system pretty much in its entirity - being old fashioned, sexist and homophobic, stupid religious people (not all, but the ones that carry these traits) telling me I would be a lot better/happier/holier if I only believed in THEIR god, stupid Atheists (again; some!) being so far up their own scientific arrogant asses they can't even listen to other sane/my arguments, every person who has lied to me, cheated me, led me on, purpousfully hurt me.... I can go on forever and ever and ever, cause I am THAT angry today!
If I was clever I would channel this anger (again) to something constructive, write some ranty columns (it went well last time I did, I got published!), do another collage type picture, write some angry politic polemic poetry! (Polemic poetry is by the way my new favourite-but that's besides the angry point so I'll ignore that for now).
[A polemic is a variety of arguments or controversies made against one opinion, doctrine, or person. Other variations of argument are debate and discussion. The word is derived from the Greek polemikos (πολεμικός), meaning "warlike, hostile". (Wikipedia- FTW)]
But then again, who ever said I was clever. Intelligent, yes, but clever? Very much not! I am constantly doing exactly the opposite of what would be good for me, doing things I know will make things worse, harder and more painful in the long run.. So not clever at all.
However, I might either isolate myself in the flat forcing myself to write some intelligent stuff out of this anger, or I will venture into town trying to barricade myself at After 8 with headphones, angry music and thus trying to make myself write...we will see. The pro AND con with the second suggestion is that it involves people. Those annoying, ugly, coughing, sniffling, loud, abnoxious beings that are called my fellow human beings. Yuk! What I really need today is a whole yard full of puppies, THAT and only that would make my anger melt away into sunshine and buttercups. Or a field full of friendly cows that I could stroke. Or a cat purring. Or a lil white rabbit happily bouncing around. Or Maija Maija Maija sunshine human being! I definately need to get more animals into my life...
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