Sorrow and sadness is difficult because they are always your emotions, and they are so hard to share with others. So they are these tricky emotions which you are stuck with and so hard to get away from... Sure you can cry with others, and a hug or a stroke or a kiss can help momentarily. So can talking and sharing. But point remains that no other person can really understand your sorrow, because it is yours, and it is always personal. Regardless of what other people have been trough (cause we so often say, 'I understand what you are going trough/feeling' and 'I have been trough the same, I know the feeling'), you can never really understand how another person's sorrow is, as we all react in different ways, have different backgrounds, own emotions and thoughts and own ways of coping. Even 6 people in the same family will never have the same sorrow, because they are all different personalities with different coping mechanisms, skills, ideas and experiences. Sadness and sorrow is also so durable. It lasts for a long time. Its a process and a mind stage and general mood. Also it is so extremely difficult to externalise sadness and sorrow, it is kinda stuck in you, in your soul and heart like yearold chewing gum.
Anger on the other hand is so very external. Its internal as well and can be bloody explosive and dangerous. Anger takes over your (at least mine) body like no other emotion can. It's like it cleans out every emotional corner of your beeing and fills it all with red hot rage. Blood, hot steaming blood. When I am overcome with rage it is like I am both the red rag, the bullfighter and the bull. Equal measures victim, aggressor and provocation tool. I need to externalise the anger or it risks to explode or implode me! That's also the difficult thing with anger, that it needs to be externalised to best be dealt with. Anger is ugly, difficult, provocing and damn right hard to deal with in others. When I'm angry I scream and shout, swear and literally go all black and red inside and on the outside. Beware if you get in my way when I am angry, as I have so hard to tell between people who have provoced my anger, and people who care and try to soothe it.
It happened on Melody on Wednesday night (well thursday morning to be correct). I got to know something which was too ugly, too painful and bloody disgusting to be able to deal with it in my mind and being. It externalised itself without even having to think about it. I literally clenched up as a wind up fist, and I succumbed to it to the degree that all that was left of me was swearing, shouting, insulting, snarling, growling and ugliness. I remember growling far too loud 'I am going to chop his F*ing little dick of with a blunt scissor' or something similar in the middle of a deep cigarette inhalation, and got both amused and shocked reactions. I kind soul tried to calm me down, with the result that they got in their way of my anger. 'Dont bloody Snälla Vän me!!!!' 'I am angry if I WANT to be angry'. 'No I won't be angry tomorrow, I am angry NOW!' I know it is childish and immature and actually rude to aim your anger at other people, especially the people who care about you and try to soothe you. But I feel like having a giant speech bubble over my head saying; I am angry. Please don't ask me to calm down. Please don't ask me to lower my voice and please don't try to hug me if I am all clenched up!
Becase I need to let it rage for a while. I need to tire myself out emotionally and physically and then I will be fine in a while. And I am not that little of a person that I cannot apologise afterwards if I insult or hurt (mentally) someone whilst angry. And yes I know I have to work on not treating other people like shit when I am angry, but it is hard, and it's a work in progress....I should learn to just make myself alone when the anger hits, and just get it out on paper, canvas, material, screams or punching sand/moss. I need to stop hurting myself and othes when angry (I woke up with massive bruises on my knees and a massive bruise on my hand?!).
But that said I am rather angry any day than sad and greiving, because it is so much easier to channel anger into creativity. it is sometimes a too strong emotion/sensation to channel into something out of paper/plastic/fabric/material, but sometimes it works! I still have an unpainted/unmade thing/installation/painting, but it will come. I can feel it. But it's not ready yet.
So instead yesterday I channeled all the thousand emotions into my scarf, and completed it during about three hours of the afternoon. My emotions throughout it varied, as did the music. It started off with Linkin Park, various punk, Rage Against the Machine, rrriotskitopunk, Eva Dahlgren, Rositas wonderful feminist woman power mixcd, Bitch Alert, The Donnas and Hole. In the end I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep. The scarf was almost finished (the tassletail I will keep as a constant work in progress) and the result was surprisingly good; it's warm, beautiful and cosy. And it holds a damn lot of emotions!
The last one's for Y.O.U f*cker!
